Magazine

A tired dad staring at a tiny frosted glass bottle of baby cologne

A letter to myself about the absolute madness of baby cologne

Dear Tom of Six Months Ago, You're currently standing in the hallway of the semi-detached in Balham, holding a tiny, frosted glass bottle gifted by your remarkably chic European mother-in-law. You're staring at the words "Eau de Senteur" printed in...

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Exhausted dad trying to figure out a complicated fabric baby carrier

The absolute origami nightmare of strapping on a baby carrier

I was standing in the middle of our cramped London kitchen at two in the afternoon, sweating profusely, completely tangled in eighteen feet of modal fabric. One twin was screaming from the bouncy chair on the floor, the other was...

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A bewildered dad awkwardly testing bath water temperature with his elbow.

Debugging Bath Time: My Quest for a Safe Baby Bathtub

I’m standing over our stainless steel kitchen sink, my heart rate clocking 130 BPM on my smartwatch, holding what can only be described as a furiously squirming, soap-covered water balloon. My wife Sarah is standing exactly two feet to my...

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A stressed dad holding a tray of oven baked baby back ribs while an infant watches

Debugging Dinner: A Dad's Guide to Oven-Baked Baby Back Ribs

My dad told me that if I didn't cook them over hickory wood on a custom offset charcoal smoker, I was committing a culinary felony. My neighbor Dave leaned over the fence on Tuesday and insisted the only way to...

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Exhausted dad staring at a medicine bottle at 2 AM while holding a crying baby who feels like a tiny furnace.

Why That 81mg Baby Aspirin Bottle Is A Massive Parenting Trap

The digital clock on the microwave read 2:14 AM, the Portland rain was actively trying to dissolve our roof, and my 11-month-old son felt exactly like a MacBook Pro rendering 4K video on your bare legs. I was frantically bouncing...

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Marcus reading the adriana smith baby update on his phone in a dark nursery

Reading the Adriana Smith Baby Update at 2 AM Broke My Brain

It was 2:14 AM, the Portland rain was actively trying to dissolve my bedroom window, and I was holding my 11-month-old son while he slept. I had convinced myself he was developing some rare respiratory bug because my data tracking...

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Marcus staring blankly at a wall of the best formula for babies in a Portland grocery store at 2 AM.

Finding the best formula for babies: A letter to my past self

You're standing in aisle four of the Hollywood Fred Meyer, it's 2:14 AM, and the fluorescent lights are making your left eye twitch. You're holding a purple can in one hand and a gold can in the other, desperately trying...

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A frustrated dad trying to put tiny pink shades on an incredibly uncooperative toddler

Why putting tiny shades on twins feels like a hostage negotiation

I'm currently crouched behind the garden shed, clutching a pair of miniature, neon-pink plastic frames like they're a live grenade, trying to figure out which of my two-year-old daughters is least likely to bite me if I approach her face....

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Clueless dad holding a baby while looking confused at a smartphone screen.

Wait, How Old is Baby Gronk? (And Other Parenting Anxieties)

My wife caught me measuring the exact distance between our coffee table and the dog bed with a laser tape measure while our 11-month-old gnawed enthusiastically on a rogue piece of cardboard he'd found behind the router. "I'm setting up...

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