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The brutal code brown math of the baby 5 one piece outfit rotation
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in mid-January. The smell hits me before the crying even starts. I'm standing over the crib in the dark, and my three-month-old has somehow managed to paint himself, the sheets, and the wall behind...
Dear Past Marcus: A Debugging Guide to the Basic Baby Onesie
It's 3:14 AM in our drafty Portland apartment, and I'm holding my screaming four-month-old son at arm's length like he's a live explosive device. The incident has breached containment. A toxic, mustard-yellow substance has defied the elastic boundaries of his...
My Chicago Winter Blowout and the Perfect Onesies Baby
It was two in the morning inside the Northwestern Memorial Hospital parking garage in late January. The wind off Lake Michigan was doing that thing where it physically hurts your face. My daughter, then six weeks old, had just weaponized...
The Truth About Custom Baby Onesies: A Letter To My Past Self
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago. It's October 14th, 2:13 AM, and you're sitting on the very edge of the living room rug, wearing those disgusting gray fleece college sweatpants with the mysterious bleach stain on the left knee...
A Letter To Past Me About The Winter Onesie Sweater Situation
Dear Tom of six months ago. You're currently standing by the radiator in the front room of our freezing London flat, staring at your hands. The boiler is making that ominous clunking sound again, Alice is attempting to eat a...
How a Simple Ribbed Onesie Saved My Sanity During a 3 AM Blowout
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. I'm dealing with Diaper #284, and containment has been fully breached. The biohazard has traveled up my 11-month-old's spine, past his shoulder blades, and is currently threatening his neckline. I'm sweating through my t-shirt,...
The Thameslink Blowout: Surviving the Baby Bodysuit Trap
We were somewhere between East Croydon and London Bridge when the smell hit. A dense, sulphuric cloud that instantly cleared the priority seating area of commuters and left me alone with a double pram. Twin A was grinning the gummy,...
The 3 AM Blowout That Made Me Respect the Newborn White Onesie
It was 3:14 AM. November. I know this because my phone flashlight was blinding me and the digital clock on the microwave was blinking in the background while I stood in the kitchen wearing a fleece Target robe from like,...
The Brutal, Messy Truth About Surviving Baby Onesies
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, roughly six weeks into the twin experiment, and I was holding a small, violently crying creature at arm's length. The issue wasn't the crying (I'd grown accustomed to the acoustic assault), but rather...