Why the Dust Baby Meme is Harmless but Your Floor is Toxic
I'm currently sitting on the floor at eye level with the baseboards, watching a shaft of afternoon Portland sunlight illuminate roughly ten million floating particles in our living room, while my 11-month-old daughter tries to eat a grey fuzzball she...
Why Your Dog Freaks Out When the Kid Screams (A Father's Log)
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the hallway floor at 3:14 AM. You have the tracking app open on your phone, verifying that the nursery is exactly 69.5 degrees with 44 percent humidity, and you...
Why Cheap Theme Park Outfits Crashed My Baby's Operating System
I'm currently standing completely motionless outside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, holding an eleven-month-old who's vibrating with pure, unadulterated rage. The humidity is sitting at what feels like two hundred percent, my shirt is glued to my spine, and...
Dad-Tested Home Remedies for a Teething Baby Waking Up at Night
It's 3:14 AM and I'm standing in the kitchen holding a partially frozen blueberry mini bagel. The baby monitor on the counter looks like a jagged red soundwave of pure agony. The bagel is currently defrosting and dripping a sticky...
Exactly How Long Does RSV Last in Babies? A Dad's Viral Data Log
My mother-in-law texted me at 6 AM asking, "how is the babi doing?" because she stubbornly refuses to use autocorrect on her iPad. Two hours later, the barista at my local coffee shop confidently informed me that respiratory viruses are...
How Old Are Baby Boomers? A Dad's Guide to Grandparent Rules
"Put the quilt down, Mom." I was standing in the doorway of the nursery at 8:00 PM, physically blocking my mother's path to the crib like a bouncer at a deeply uncool nightclub. She was holding a blanket that weighed...
How to Choose a Baby Stroller Before You Completely Lose Your Mind
Hey Marcus from six months ago. You're currently sweating through your flannel shirt in aisle 14 of the massive baby gear warehouse, staring at a wall of aluminum and canvas like it's a server rack that just randomly caught fire....
Why Humphrey the Beanie Baby Is a Hard No for My 11-Month-Old
I'm currently holding a beige, slightly cross-eyed plush camel that smells faintly of an attic and 1996. My mother-in-law just proudly handed it to me across our kitchen island. Apparently, she unearthed this thing from her garage after solving the...
Consumer reports baby formula data broke my brain as a dad
Last Tuesday, at exactly 2:14 AM, I found myself standing in the kitchen illuminated only by the harsh green glow of the microwave clock, staring at a plastic scoop of white powder like it was radioactive material. Before my son...