Twins and the absurd reality of baby elephant weight
In the suffocatingly warm waiting room of our local NHS clinic, whilst desperately trying to balance a screaming twin on each knee, I received three entirely contradictory pieces of advice about infant growth within a single ten-minute span. Our health...
3AM Screaming, K-Pop Fixes, And Why Babies Cry
"Leave them, it exercises their lungs," my mother-in-law declared over Sunday roast, waving a forkful of parsnip in the general direction of the nursery. "If you don't respond within thirty seconds, they'll develop crippling attachment trauma," our NHS health visitor...
Why I Will Never Buy the Baby Dior Perfume for My Twin Girls
Last Tuesday at precisely 4:15 PM, I found myself standing in a terrifyingly white Georgian townhouse in South Kensington, wiping a smear of mashed banana off my left shoulder while watching a woman named Cressida casually spritz her eight-month-old son...
Starring in the Real Baby Daddy Show (Minus the Laugh Track)
Dear Tom, You're currently sitting on the edge of the bathtub, wearing a fleece dressing gown that smells faintly of Sudocrem and despair, staring at a phone screen playing an old episode of that American sitcom. You know the one....
How to Stop Your Toddler from Accidentally Breaking a Baby Dachshund
I was halfway through a tepid cup of Earl Grey when I saw it happening in slow motion. Twin A, my slightly more chaotic two-year-old, was attempting to swing her leg over a visiting twelve-week-old sausage dog like she was...
The Cetaphil Baby Wash Delusion: Why Slippery Twins Require A Reali...
I'm currently holding onto a wet, furious 11-kilo toddler with my left forearm while my right hand desperately attempts to extract lather from a plastic bottle before her sister successfully drinks a pint of lukewarm, slightly soapy bathwater. If you've...
Spotting Cerebral Palsy in Babies: A Twin Dadβs Messy Story
It was a bleak Tuesday in November, raining with that specific London spitefulness, and I was lying on the living room rug surrounded by the debris of early parenthood. At six months old, my twin girls were engaged in entirely...
A Letter to Past Me About Baby Skincare and Greasing Up Twins
Dear Tom from November, You're probably standing in the downstairs loo right now, aren't you? You're holding a writhing Florence under one arm like a poorly packed rugby ball, staring at her left calf and wondering if babies can get...
The "Call Me Baby" Era: TikTok Trends vs Actual Newborn Survival
It was 3:14 AM on a rainy Tuesday, and I was sitting on our violently stained nursing chair trying to remember if I had already burped Twin A, or if the loud noise I just heard came from my own...