Surviving Baby's First Christmas (Without Losing Your Mind)
I was on my hands and knees under the dining room table at six in the morning, trying to fish a soggy clump of metallic green wrapping paper out of my oldest son's throat while he screamed like a banshee....
Why The Baby's Day Out Movie Cast Haunts My Anxious Dad Brain
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago. Put down the lukewarm decaf. You're currently sitting on the couch in our Portland apartment, tracking the room temperature on your phone (itβs 71.4 degrees, which is apparently best) and staring at our...
Dear past Tom: Skip the polyester baby yoda costume
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently sitting on the sofa with a lukewarm cup of tea, looking at an online checkout cart. It's late September. You're feeling a misguided sense of autumnal whimsy, bolstered perhaps by the fact...
When Your Kid Goes Full Baby Yaga: A Very Tired Dad's Guide
The Nanit camera app on my phone says it's exactly 3:14 AM. My battery is hovering at 12%, and the ambient room temperature is holding steady at 68.4 degrees only because I spent forty minutes calibrating the smart vent system...
The 3 AM Splash Zone: A Very British Guide to Baby Vomiting
It hit my left shoulder first, warm and surprisingly heavy, before cascading down the back of my only clean t-shirt and settling comfortably into the gap between the sofa cushions. I froze, blinking in the dim glow of a nightlight,...
The Day I Surrendered to YouTube Baby Videos (And Then Panicked)
It was 4:17 PM on a Tuesday in late November, which in London means it had been pitch black outside for what felt like three consecutive days, and both girls were currently engaged in a competitive screaming match on the...
Why I Sing Mariah Carey Always Be My Baby At 3 AM For Sleep
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in 2017, and I was sweating through a gray David Bowie t-shirt that had questionable yellow spit-up crusted on the left shoulder, trying desperately to remember what you're actually supposed to buy if...
The Reality Behind 'Me As A Baby' Memes: A Letter To Past Marcus
You're currently sitting on the edge of the bathtub at 2:14 AM, staring at the baby monitor app on your phone, trying to figure out why your five-month-old son sounds like a dial-up modem struggling to connect to a bad...
How to Write a Brilliant Message For Baby Shower Cards
I'm currently staring at a pastel yellow card featuring a deeply anatomically incorrect stork, my pen hovering over the paper as if I'm diffusing a bomb rather than preparing for my cousin's Saturday afternoon tea party. There's this pervasive, slightly...