The Baby Shark Song Lyrics Broke My Brain (A Dad's Log)
The dashboard clock of my Subaru says 3:14 AM. I'm driving aimlessly down I-84 in the pouring Portland rain, the heater blasting a smell of stale coffee and desperation. The only thing keeping the 11-month-old in the backseat from initiating...
Debugging Sleep, Typos, and the Baby Saja x Reader Incident
My thumb slipped off the glass screen of my phone at exactly 3:14 AM, smearing a streak of organic pear puree across the search bar while my 11-month-old daughter attempted to burrow her entire head into my left armpit. She...
Debugging The Baby Pumpkin Costume: A First-Time Dad's Guide
The internal temperature of a synthetic plush gourd is roughly equivalent to the surface of the sun. I'm holding a screaming, bright orange sphere in the middle of a muddy Portland farm, desperately trying to find a zipper that apparently...
Why I Googled Baby Osama at 3 AM: TikTok Sleep Hacks Are Terrifying
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, the nursery is precisely 69.4 degrees Fahrenheit, and my 11-month-old son has just executed his fourth unauthorized wake-up routine of the night. I'm sitting on the edge of the glider in the dark, scrolling...
Troubleshooting Cradle Cap: A New Dad's Guide to Safe Baby Oil
I was staring at a fake checkerboard background on a transparent image file at 3:14 AM while my eleven-month-old looked like a shedding reptile. I was trying to build a Notion database of non-toxic skincare for our household, right? Because...
Why we finally threw out our fancy baby lights (and what worked)
It's 2:43 AM. I'm holding my iPhone between my teeth like a tactical flashlight because I need both hands to manage a diaper blowout of catastrophic proportions. I take one step backward, my heel finds a rogue wooden block, and...
The Gone Baby Gone Cast Has Nothing on My 3 AM Detective Work
My mother swore he was just hungry, my hipster neighbor confidently diagnosed a "leap 6 sleep regression," and a random guy in my Portland coffee shop told me he was definitely sensing my own unresolved childhood trauma. Three totally different...
The punching babies in public prank is ruining my algorithm
The time was exactly 2:14 AM, the nursery thermostat was reading a stable 69.4 degrees, and I was making the biggest digital mistake of my life. My 11-month-old, Maya, was currently undergoing some sort of developmental firmware update where she...
I panic-googled Roblox pill babies at 2 AM so you do not have to
I was sitting on my brotherβs couch in southeast Portland last Sunday, desperately trying to keep my squirming 11-month-old from eating a suspicious clump of golden retriever hair, when my nine-year-old nephew yelled into his gaming headset: "Bro, grab the...