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Why I Googled Sereia Baby And Other Naming Bugs We Caught
I slammed my laptop shut so fast I nearly pinched my own fingers in the aluminum chassis, knocking over my lukewarm coffee in the process. My wife looked up from her iPad, blinking at me across the kitchen table. It...
The Skilla Baby Shot Panic: What I Learned Googling Infant Vaccines
I was balancing my phone on my left knee at 2:13 AM while my 11-month-old used my collarbone as a temporary mattress. I was trying to look up the timeline for his next round of immunizations, but my thumb slipped...
My Gangster Baby Daddy Pampers Me To Paradise: Real Dad Take
"Just let her sleep when the baby sleeps," my mom told me over FaceTime, which is mathematically impossible unless I also figure out how to sleep when the baby sleeps, and then who exactly is watching the dog or paying...
The Ultimate Man vs Baby Guide: Debugging First-Year Fatherhood
Portland rain is violently smacking against the nursery window, and I'm staring at a dual-screen monitor setup that used to be only for gaming, but is now dedicated to a massive spreadsheet that's fundamentally mocking my existence. It's 2:14 AM....
The Viral Falling Baby Lawsuit Hoax vs Actual Window Tech
Thursday morning, my phone lit up with three completely incompatible push notifications about gravity and my 11-month-old. First, my mother-in-law texted me a frantic TikTok link claiming some random dude was dragged into court for half a million dollars after...
The Lily Collins Baby Backlash and My Parenting Firmware Update
It was 6:14 AM on a rainy Tuesday in Portland, and I was staring at a lukewarm cup of coffee while my 11-month-old son aggressively tried to pull my beard out from the roots. I had managed to wrestle him...
How to execute the sorry sir not your baby boundary script
We were in the produce section of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer, right between the bruised organic honeycrisps and that terrifying misting machine that sounds like a tiny jet engine spinning up. My 11-month-old son was strapped into his stroller, chewing...
The Sweet Baby Inc Panic: Why I Thought Our Nursery Was Compromised
I was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the nursery at 3:14 AM, frantically scanning the back of an organic lotion bottle with my phone flashlight, convinced I had somehow introduced a catastrophic vulnerability into our household infrastructure. My eleven-month-old...
My confusing search for a talented baby squirrel in Portland
My 11-month-old was actively attempting to ingest a handful of premium Portland moss when my phone vibrated in my pocket. We were doing our mandatory morning yard time, which mostly consists of me following him around like a poorly programmed...