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That Cute Little Green Alien Herb is Definitely Not for Kids
I was standing in line at H-E-B last Tuesday, wrestling my squirming two-year-old on my hip while trying to order a baby shower gift for my cousin on my phone. She is completely obsessed with that Mandalorian show, so I...
When Can You Finally Stop Burping Your Baby? A Mom's Honest Story
I remember sitting in the dark in the rocking chair that squeaked every time I leaned back, aggressively patting my oldest son's back like I was trying to dislodge a stuck vending machine snack. It was probably 3:14 AM on...
Spare Ribs vs Baby Back Ribs: A Dadβs Guide to Debugging Toddler BBQ
I was standing at the meat counter of our neighborhood New Seasons in Portland, panic-googling whether "baby back" meant the ribs actually came from a baby pig. My wife Sarah was three aisles over dealing with a minor avocado-related meltdown...
Dear Past Marcus: Those Aren't Pale Ants, They're Baby Termites
Dear Marcus of exactly six months ago: Put down the flashlight. That tiny, pale, squirming thing you're currently poking with a cotton swab at 2:14 AM on the bathroom tile is not an albino ant. It's a baby termite. Don't...
The Honest Truth About Your Baby Dedication (And Surviving It)
Let me paint a picture for y'all. It's Sunday morning, roughly 10:15 AM. I'm sitting in the second pew, sweating clean through my nice silk blouse, while my oldest sonβwho was supposed to look like a literal angel from heavenβis...
My Absolute Worst Night With Matching Baby Christmas Pajamas
The zipper was officially jammed in the microfleece reindeer antlers. It was roughly two in the morning on December twenty-third, and my six-month-old, Maya, was screaming with the raw intensity of a level-one trauma arrival. Her face was the color...
The 3AM Savior: Decoding Baby Blue Daniel Caesar Lyrics
There's a very specific type of despair that sets in around 3:14 AM when one twin is screaming because the shadows on the wall are looking at her funny, and the other is methodically attempting to ingest the cardboard spine...
When Do You Actually Stop Burping a Baby? An Honest Dad Guide
Dear Tom from six months agoβor rather, let's cast our minds all the way back to the dark trenches when the twins were tiny, because time is a flat, milk-stained circle and my trauma has simply manifested as a letter...
What to Do When Your Kid Finds a Baby Squirrel in the Yard
"Drop the Similac, Tucker!" I yelled across the patio, lunging over a scattered pile of wooden blocks while clutching a squirming newborn to my chest. My oldest sonβbless his animal-loving, highly impulsive heartβwas kneeling in the damp Bermuda grass, holding...