Magazine

Twin toddlers stacking wooden blocks in a London living room while their dad drinks cold coffee

A London Dad's Nepo Baby Definition: Toddlers and Privilege

We're twenty-two minutes into the great Tupperware standoff of a rainy Tuesday morning. Maya is sitting on the rug, red-faced, grunting, and aggressively trying to pry the blue plastic lid off her container of blueberries. It's taking her forever, and...

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Exhausted dad with a baby carrier looking at his smartphone in a dark room.

Millie Bobby Brown's Adopted Baby Broke My Millennial Dad Brain

It's 3:14 AM and I'm currently trapped under twenty-two pounds of snoring infant who requires exactly 68.5 degrees ambient temperature to maintain his delicate sleep mode. I'm pinned to the nursing chair, my left arm has gone completely numb, and...

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An exhausted dad holding a baby and looking at his phone in a dark nursery.

Max Verstappen Baby Quotes and the Packaged Chicken Problem

My mother-in-law told me I had to hold the baby firmly against my left pectoral so she could sync to my heartbeat like a Bluetooth device. My senior developer Slack-messaged me to keep the baby elevated at exactly a 45-degree...

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A tired dad looking at a laptop while holding an 11-month-old baby in a dimly lit nursery

The Ultimate Man vs Baby Guide: Debugging First-Year Fatherhood

Portland rain is violently smacking against the nursery window, and I'm staring at a dual-screen monitor setup that used to be only for gaming, but is now dedicated to a massive spreadsheet that's fundamentally mocking my existence. It's 2:14 AM....

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Exhausted dad analyzing the viral hoax about a rescuer facing legal action

The Viral Falling Baby Lawsuit Hoax vs Actual Window Tech

Thursday morning, my phone lit up with three completely incompatible push notifications about gravity and my 11-month-old. First, my mother-in-law texted me a frantic TikTok link claiming some random dude was dragged into court for half a million dollars after...

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A dad holding his 11-month-old baby while reading the news on his phone in a Portland coffee shop.

The Lily Collins Baby Backlash and My Parenting Firmware Update

It was 6:14 AM on a rainy Tuesday in Portland, and I was staring at a lukewarm cup of coffee while my 11-month-old son aggressively tried to pull my beard out from the roots. I had managed to wrestle him...

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A confused dad staring at a stranger trying to touch his baby in a grocery store

How to execute the sorry sir not your baby boundary script

We were in the produce section of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer, right between the bruised organic honeycrisps and that terrifying misting machine that sounds like a tiny jet engine spinning up. My 11-month-old son was strapped into his stroller, chewing...

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Confused dad looking at his phone next to a wooden baby gym

The Sweet Baby Inc Panic: Why I Thought Our Nursery Was Compromised

I was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the nursery at 3:14 AM, frantically scanning the back of an organic lotion bottle with my phone flashlight, convinced I had somehow introduced a catastrophic vulnerability into our household infrastructure. My eleven-month-old...

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Marcus holding an 11-month-old baby looking at an oak tree in a backyard.

My confusing search for a talented baby squirrel in Portland

My 11-month-old was actively attempting to ingest a handful of premium Portland moss when my phone vibrated in my pocket. We were doing our mandatory morning yard time, which mostly consists of me following him around like a poorly programmed...

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