Magazine
The Truth About Baby Keem Age, Loud Music, And Tiny Eardrums
My mother-in-law told me listening to rap would stunt my kid's language acquisition and that I should stick strictly to classical flute. My husband claimed playing heavy bass in the car was important cultural exposure that builds character. The terrifying...
Decoding Baby Lasagna: How to Feed Your Infant Without a System Crash
My mom called me on a Tuesday to say she fed me Stouffer’s frozen meat lasagna when I was six months old and I turned out completely fine, which is debatable considering my current anxiety levels. Ten minutes later, my...
My Glitchy Attempt at Sci-Fi Parenting With an 11-Month-Old
My guildmate on Discord told me to just slap on a noise-canceling headset and game while the baby slept on my chest. My mother-in-law insisted the ambient 5G from the Wi-Fi router was actively rearranging his aura. And a random...
Surviving Twins With Baby Lyrics: Justin Bieber To The Rescue
Tuesday, 5:43 AM. Florence (Twin A) has somehow managed to lodge a piece of dried Weetabix perfectly up her left nostril, while Matilda (Twin B) is executing a flawless, lung-busting temper tantrum because her water is, in her professional two-year-old...
The Real Baby Mama Cast: Surviving Postpartum Without Hollywood
It's 3:14 in the morning. You're covered in sour milk, eating a piece of cold toast over the kitchen sink, and watching a rerun of some mid-2000s comedy on cable. The one with the famous comedic actresses. You look at...
What Being a Baby Mama Actually Means Off the Internet
I was sitting on the floor of my guest bedroom—which I generously call my "Etsy shipping headquarters"—with packing tape stuck to my thigh, listening to a 90s hip-hop playlist, when a song came on loudly dropping the phrase "baby mama."...
Baby Mel Queries: Decoding Late-Night Infant Sleep Searches
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and the nursery was exactly 69.4 degrees. I know this because I've a Bluetooth-enabled hygrometer strapped to the wall, which I refresh obsessively like I'm monitoring server uptime. My son, currently eleven months...
The completely unglamorous truth about baby milk
You're standing in your kitchen at 3 AM holding a plastic container of white liquid up to the harsh microwave light. The baby is screaming in the other room. You're trying to remember if the water was supposed to go...
Surviving Baby’s First New Year's Eve Without Losing Your Mind
I spent my oldest son’s first New Year’s Eve sitting on the tile floor of our guest bathroom in the pitch black, violently shushing him while my husband stuffed rolled-up towels under the door frame. Jackson was barely seven months...