The Oxford Street Kids Clothes Shop Incident and Other Regrets
We were twenty minutes into a torrential downpour on Oxford Street when Twin A discovered a rack of heavily sequined, faux-leather mermaid trousers. Twin B, meanwhile, was systematically pulling the size stickers off every pair of denim jeans in a...
Raising A Baby Goth Without Losing Your Mind Or Your Aesthetic
The grand, sweeping myth of alternative parenting is that we're all gliding around dimly lit Victorian manors, raising miniature vampires who only listen to Bauhaus and politely refuse to play with brightly coloured plastic. The depressing reality is that I'm...
The Great Baby Decke Deception of the First Twelve Months
I'm standing in our cramped London living room, holding what can only be described as a mountain of pastel knitwear. It's three weeks before the twins are due, and my mother-in-law has just dropped off her contribution to our nursery....
Surviving the 3 AM Panic: A British Dad's Guide to Baby Rash Cream
The glow of the GroEgg in the corner of the nursery was an ominous, angry red, which felt entirely appropriate given what I was about to uncover inside Florence's sleepsuit. It was 3:14 in the morning, a time when human...
The 4 AM Starfish Incident and the Happiest Baby Swaddle
It's 3:17 AM on a Tuesday, though in the windowless temporal void of my daughters' nursery, it might as well be 1994. The room smells faintly of Calpol, sour milk, and my own evaporating dignity. I'm standing over the cot...
The Great Green Baby Panic: A Father's Descent Into Eco-Parenting
I was standing in our galley kitchen at 3:14 a.m., holding a disposable nappy that smelled vaguely of industrial solvent, when I realised my twin daughters were going to single-handedly destroy the ozone layer. Florence was screaming from the bassinet...
Surviving The Absolute Carnage Of The Modern Envy Baby Phase
At precisely 2:14 PM last Tuesday, Florence made the fatal mistake of looking at a blue plastic cup. She didn't touch the cup. She didn't even point her sticky, jam-covered finger at the cup. She merely glanced at it with...
The Great Healthy Baby Myth: Surviving Your First Two Years
I'm currently staring at a beige, violently stained sleepsuit that was, until approximately four minutes ago, perfectly pristine and white. It's 6:15 AM on a Tuesday, and one of the twinsβletβs call her the Loud One, though honestly they alternate...
The exact number of tiny teeth to expect (and how to survive them)
There I was, standing in our London kitchen at four in the morning with a screaming toddler on each hip, trying to sort through three entirely contradictory pieces of advice Iβd received that week. My mother-in-law had cheerfully suggested rubbing...