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The Real Baby Steps Uncensored: Surviving the Messy Parenting Journey
My mother-in-law cornered me by the kitchen island last Thanksgiving while I was wearing a sweater that actively smelled like sour milk and told me that Leoβs occasional toddler swiping needed to be handled with "immediate, absolute authority." Two days...
How to Take Decent Baby Pictures Without Losing Your Entire Mind
I was sweating through my favorite gray t-shirt, balancing on one foot on a dining room chair, making noises that sounded like a dying turkey. Below me, my oldest son, Hunter, was screaming bloody murder from inside a $60 woven...
The Miniature CEO: Why I Stopped Dressing My Baby Like a Tiny Adult
I was exactly four and a half minutes into trying to button a miniature, tailored tweed blazer onto my squirming 11-month-old when I realized my entire approach to parenting apparel was fundamentally flawed. He was doing that terrifying back-arching maneuver,...
The Brutal, Beautiful Truth About the Always Be My Baby Phase
I'm standing at my kitchen island right now, staring at a mountain of laundry that smells vaguely like goat feed and sour milk. On the left side of the counter, I've got my four-year-old's mud-caked jeans that look like they...
Troubleshooting The Baby Come Back Phase Without Losing Your Mind
2:14 PM. Portland is doing that misty drizzle thing outside where it's not quite raining but you still get entirely wet. I've stepped exactly 3.4 feet away from the playmat to grab my lukewarm coffee from the side table. I...
Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner: A Dad's Guide To The Reverse Gear
It was exactly 6:14 PM, the thermostat was holding steady at 68.5 degrees, and I was watching my 11-month-old son slowly reverse himself into the precise 90-degree angle where the drywall meets the glass sliding door. He looked like a...
The Messy Truth About When Your Baby Finally Learns to Sit Up
I was sitting on the cold linoleum floor of a slightly damp church basement wearing yoga pants that hadnβt seen a yoga studio since Obama was in office, staring at a six-month-old named... Brayden? Jayden? Let's go with Jayden. Jayden...
The absolute physical reality of raising a genuinely big baby
I'm standing in the middle of our dimly lit bedroom, sweating through a t-shirt, attempting to pull a cotton sleepsuit over my daughter's left thigh. The label, stitched with mocking delicacy, reads 'Up to 1 Month'. As I try to...
Searching Reddit for a Baby Walking Game at 2 AM Was a Mistake
Itβs 2:14 AM. I'm wearing my husbandβs horrific faded college track sweatpantsβthe ones with the inexplicable bleach stain on the left kneeβand I'm hunched over my phone in the dark, furiously refreshing a forum thread. I'm holding a mug of...