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Troubleshooting Green Baby Poop When You're Running on Empty
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday when my iPhone flashlight illuminated a diaper that looked like it had been sponsored by a 1990s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figure factory. Neon, radioactive, undeniably green. I froze with a baby...
The 2 AM Google Spiral About Baby Milestones
It was 2:14 in the morning on a Tuesday. Or maybe Wednesday? Time doesn't actually exist when you've an eleven-month-old who treats sleep like a hostile negotiation. I was sitting on the floor of Maya's nursery, wearing Dave's grey zip-up...
I asked a doctor what do babies dream about and the truth hurts
It was three in the morning in our drafty Chicago apartment when my son let out a sound that was half-giggle, half-choke. I stood over his bassinet, gripping the edge like I was bracing for an earthquake. His eyes were...
Why those stiff miniature adult sneakers are ruining baby feet
We were at Maggie Daley Park, right in the middle of a brutal Chicago November, and my son was bleeding from his mouth. I'd dressed him in these incredibly expensive, highly structured miniature basketball shoes. They looked exactly like my...
My Messy Guide to Surviving All Three Kinds of Baby Sharks
I'm standing in the downstairs bathroom at six in the morning, holding a plastic light-up dinosaur flashlight between my teeth, trying to pry my five-year-old's jaw open while he thrashes around like a feral raccoon trapped in a feed bin....
The Real Baby Steps Uncensored: Surviving the Messy Parenting Journey
My mother-in-law cornered me by the kitchen island last Thanksgiving while I was wearing a sweater that actively smelled like sour milk and told me that Leoβs occasional toddler swiping needed to be handled with "immediate, absolute authority." Two days...
Raising A Baby Hitler: Why I Stopped Tracking Cries And Held My Kid
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, It's currently 3:14 AM in your timeline, and I know exactly what you're doing. You're sitting in the glow of your laptop in the nursery, holding a screaming, five-month-old Maya, and you're logging...
Before and After: Debugging the Weird Hardware of a Baby Foot
Last Tuesday at 3 AM, I found myself holding my son's left ankle like I was inspecting a suspicious external hard drive, trying to figure out how his toes were suddenly jammed completely sideways inside his pajamas. The nursery monitor...
How to Actually Troubleshoot Your Way to an Fantastic Baby
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, the Portland rain was actively mocking my sanity against the bedroom window, and my 11-month-old was throwing a massive runtime error. I had tried the bouncing walk, the aggressive shushing, the weird yoga-ball-hip-sway...