Why I Stopped Buying Flashy Baby Designer Clothes
It was 2:14 in the morning on a Tuesday, and I was standing in Mayaβs nursery wearing a nursing tank top that smelled strongly of sour milk and desperation, holding my breath. She was three weeks old. My mother-in-law had...
Dear Past Marcus: Surviving Solids With Baby Lemon Impossible Pies
I'm currently scraping a cemented, neon-yellow blob of crust off the exact midpoint of our kitchen floor at 3 AM using an old credit card. Itβs stuck to the hardwood like industrial adhesive. This is my life now. Dear Marcus...
Why I Stopped Trusting The Chinese Baby Gender Predictor Chart
I was sitting in a terrifyingly hip Brooklyn coffee shop at 14 weeks pregnant with my first kid, wearing my husbandβs oversized flannel shirt because absolutely none of my pants fit anymore, drinking a tragic decaf oat milk latte that...
Why The Crack Baby Mitski Search Term Ruined My Tuesday Night
I was sitting cross-legged on the floor at eleven o'clock on a Tuesday, elbow-deep in a basket of sour-smelling toddler pajamas, when I saw it. The family iPad, which is supposed to be locked down tighter than Fort Knox, was...
The Boss Baby PNG Invite Crisis and Other Parenting Dad Bugs
2:14 AM. The cursor blinks at me mockingly. I'm staring at a layer mask in my photo editing software that's systematically failing its primary objective. The biggest myth they sell you in the hospital discharge paperwork isn't about infant sleep...
Is Boss Baby Back in Business Ruining My Kid? A Dad's Log
It was exactly 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and my apartment smelled faintly of day-old breastmilk and sheer desperation. My wife, Sarah, had left the state for a 48-hour work conference, leaving me as the sole systems administrator for our...
The Messy Truth About Dressing Your Infant in Tiny Stiff Denim
I was sweating completely through my only clean gray t-shirt, wrestling my six-month-old son into a pair of miniature, rigid cotton pants that featured actual, literal brass rivets. My husband was out in the garage blasting some playlist, and I...
Finding The Best Baby Toys That Won't Make You Totally Insane
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in November. I know this because my brain permanently recorded the exact time of my near-death experience. I was wearing my husband Daveβs horribly stained gray sweatpants from a 2012 Turkey Trot, holding...
The Search for the Best Baby Car Seat (A Dad's Hardware Review)
The rain was blowing sideways across the Providence Portland hospital parking lot, and the discharge nurse was staring intensely at my hands. I was attempting to click my three-day-old son's carrier into the base I had confidently installed in my...