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The Midnight Panic Search for Chest Rubs When Your Baby is Sick
There I was at two in the morning, holding a six-month-old who sounded like a broken coffee percolator, aggressively jabbing at my phone screen with one free thumb because the toddler had just sneezed directly into the baby's open mouth...
That time we met a stranded sea sausage on the Norfolk beach
We were halfway across a devastatingly windy, aggressively grey stretch of the Norfolk coastline when one of the twins pointed a sandy, half-eaten breadstick at what appeared to be an abandoned sleeping bag. It was a bleak Tuesday in October,...
The Truth About Those Hypnotic Dancing Fruit Videos
The steam from the shower was fogging up my phone screen, but I could still hear the upbeat, slightly manic techno music bouncing off the bathroom tile. My oldest, Tyler, was strapped into his bouncer chair next to the toilet,...
Surviving the Neon Chaos of Baby Shark's Big Show with Twins
"Don't let them watch it, it completely ruins their developing attention span," said Sarah from our NCT group, sipping a decaf flat white while her only child quietly consumed an artisanal lentil. "Just put it on, mate, it's the only...
Surviving the Dress Code: A Messy Guide to Baby Shower Guest Outfits
When my cousin got pregnant last spring, I texted three different people asking what the hell I was supposed to wear to her backyard celebration, and the responses were honestly useless. My mother-in-law told me I needed a pastel sheath...
The absolute chaos of deploying a modern baby shower invite
I'm staring at a Google Sheet with 64 rows of mailing addresses, and my brain is completely buffering. My wife, Sarah, is sitting next to me on the couch, asking if we should upgrade to the 120-pound matte cardstock or...
Debugging Baby Shower Messages: A Clueless Dad's Before and After
It's 11:14 PM, the nursery thermostat is locked exactly at 69.5 degrees because my wife insists that's the good sleep environment, and I'm staring at a blank piece of cardstock. The baby monitor on my desk looks like a paranormal...
Dear Past Marcus: Please Stop Overcomplicating the Baby Registry
You're currently sweating through your vintage Timbers hoodie, keeping nineteen browser tabs open, hovering your cursor over an "Add to Cart" button for a Bluetooth-enabled diaper pail. I need you to step away from the keyboard. It's me. Future Marcus....
The Baby Boomers Age Range: Why Grandparents Think We're Neurotic
"Put a spot of whiskey on their gums," my father-in-law suggested casually, sipping his tea while watching Twin A attempt to violently gnaw her way through our oak coffee table. Later that same Tuesday, my mother informed me via text...