The Truth About Crawling Timelines From A Tired London Twin Dad
I'm currently lying face down on a heavily stained Berber rug, making intense eye contact with a small, unblinking human who has just eaten a piece of fluff. In my outstretched hand is a set of house keys, jangling desperately...
Why Looking At Baby Turtles For Sale Was My Rookie Dad Mistake
It was 10:45 AM on a Saturday, raining sideways in Portland, and I was hiding from my own house. My wife was attempting to get our 11-month-old to take his morning nap, a process that currently resembles negotiating a hostage...
Why I threw my baby's amber teething necklace in the trash
It was exactly 3:14 AM. I know this because the glowing red numbers on the microwave were basically mocking me from the kitchen. The bathroom floor tiles were freezing against my bare legs, and I was wearing a gray nursing...
The Terror Of Hyper-Realistic Dolls (And What Actually Works)
The woman at the Tesco checkoutβher name badge said Sandra, and she looked like she'd already had a very long Tuesdayβwas staring at my left hand with the specific, wide-eyed horror usually reserved for hostage situations. I was currently trying...
Raising An Honest Baby: The Myth That Is Driving Us Absolutely Mad
I'm standing in aisle nine at the grocery store, holding a wailing 18-month-old on my left hip while aggressively squinting at the microscopic font on the back of a lotion bottle. The cart wheel is squeaking, my back is sweating,...
The Real Truth About How To Make Baby Villagers Grow Faster
Last Tuesday at 3:14 AM, the ambient temperature in my living room was exactly 68.4 degrees, I was running on four hours of deeply fragmented sleep, and I was aggressively throwing virtual carrots at a digital infant. I was desperately...
How To Master Oven-Baked Baby Back Ribs Without Ruining Dinner
I'm staring at a piece of pork that has the structural integrity of a radial tire. It's six fifteen in the evening. My toddler is doing that rhythmic, high-pitched hyperventilating thing that usually means we're two minutes away from an...
Why I Almost Put Hawaiian Baby Woodrose in My Baby's Nursery
I'm sitting on the floor of my oldest kid's room at 2 AM, folding a mountain of tiny mismatched socks, trying to figure out how to make baby number three's nursery look like one of those minimalist forest-fairy wonderlands you...
The Real Truth About That Free Baby Dragon Emote Code Situation
My mom told me to take the iPad, wrap it in a beach towel, and bury it in the backyard next to the old pecan tree where the dogs couldn't dig it up. Tyler, the sixteen-year-old neighbor who comes over...