Surviving the Lava Monster Phase: A Dad's Take on Baby Moana
The haptic feedback on my Apple Watch woke me from a sleep-deprived trance at exactly 3:14 PM on a Saturday. It was a decibel warning. My living room had just surpassed 90 decibels, which my watch helpfully noted could cause...
Confessions of a Clueless Runner: The Truth About Baby Joggers
I'm three miles deep into a caliche dirt road in rural Texas, sweat pooling in places I didn't know could sweat, pushing a thirty-dollar plastic umbrella stroller that sounds like a shopping cart with a square wheel. My oldest son,...
Baby It's Cold Outside Lyrics Drama & Winter Layering
Dear Jess from last December. You're currently hiding in the laundry room, sitting on a pile of unfolded bath towels, frantically trying to look up the baby it's cold outside lyrics on your cracked phone so you can prove a...
A Letter to My Pregnant Self About the Great Baby Beanie Deception
Dear Jess from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the living room rug, sweating through a maternity tunic in 80-degree Texas autumn heat, crying over a tangled skein of expensive organic yarn. You spent three hours last night hunting...
Orajel Baby Madness: Why Teething Advice Is Completely Broken
"Rub some brandy on their gums," my mother-in-law advised over a Sunday roast, looking at me as if I was the village idiot for not having a hip flask ready next to the changing mat. "Just use the blue teething...
The Real Truth About Ralph Lauren Baby: Are Tiny Polos Worth It?
I was standing over my kitchen sink at 6:42 AM on a Tuesday, wearing fleece sweatpants I had definitely slept in for three consecutive nights, frantically scrubbing bright orange sweet potato mash out of a pristine, white cable-knit sweater. It...
Why My Toddler Was Rapping And The Weird Raq Baby Search Engine Trap
Don't let your fifteen-year-old nephew DJ your toddler's playtime while you're frantically trying to fulfill twenty custom tumbler Etsy orders before the rural post office closes, because you'll end up panic-googling things that will permanently age you. I was elbow-deep...
Rockabye Baby: The Unfiltered Truth About 3 AM Infant Sleep
I was sitting in the dark at 3:14 AM with my oldest, Jackson, smelling vaguely of sour milk and utter desperation, rhythmically swaying in a hand-me-down wooden glider that shrieked on every single backswing. I was humming the only tune...
What I Learned Googling the Rosemary's Baby Cast Late at Night
It was 2:14 AM, the exact ambient temperature of our Portland living room was 64.2 degrees according to my heavily customized smart home dashboard, and my 11-month-old was finally asleep on my chest after what felt like a critical firmware...