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Keeping the Baby Jesus Out of Your Toddler's Mouth
I was in the kitchen aggressively scraping burnt porridge out of a pan when the silence hit. Any parent of two-year-old twins knows that silence is never golden; it's highly suspicious and usually expensive. I dropped the pan, sprinted into...
The Great Toddler Empathy Crisis and My Stained Maternity Shirt
I was exactly thirty-four weeks pregnant with Maya, sweating profoundly through a mustard-yellow maternity top that had a coffee stain shaped exactly like Florida right on the collarbone. It was 3:14 PM on a Tuesday, which is universally the worst...
The 2 AM Baby Chicken Meltdown: Purees, Poultry, and My Sanity
There I was at 2:13 AM on a Tuesday, standing barefoot in my kitchen wearing a stained t-shirt, staring down at a shattered glass Tupperware container of pureed baby chicken that I had just spent two hours boiling and blending....
What a Baby Cheetah Taught Me About My Own Crawling Toddler
We were standing in front of the big cat enclosure at the Bronx Zoo last Tuesday. I was wearing my aggressively stained Lululemon leggings, holding a lukewarm cup of drip coffee that tasted faintly of pennies, while Leoβwho's four going...
The 2 AM Baby Benadryl Panic and What I Actually Did Instead
It's 2:14 AM on a Tuesday in February. The wind off Lake Michigan is rattling the windowpanes of our Chicago apartment, and my toddler is sitting on the bathroom counter looking like a lightly boiled lobster. We had tried a...
System Error: Why We Banned the Baby's Breath Flower at Home
My mother-in-law texted me four massive paragraphs about how Gypsophila represents everlasting love and is a hard requirement for the nursery design if we wanted to respect tradition. Three hours later, our Portland neighborβa guy who brews his own seasonal...
Chasing the Pottery Barn Baby Dream Without Losing Your Mind
When I was seven months pregnant with Maya, I was a walking target for unsolicited opinions. I remember my mother-in-law cornering me at my own shower, wearing this aggressively floral blouse, and insisting I needed to buy a massive, heavily...
Living With The Boss Baby: Sleep, Siblings, And Your Sanity
There's a massive, glittering lie floating around pregnancy message boards that newborns sleep eighteen hours a day, and I just need to laugh hysterically at that for a second. Picture me at 3:17 AM last Tuesday, standing on the cold...
Why Babydoll Dresses Are Secretly a Parent's Best Friend
Itβs ninety-five degrees in East Texas, and my mother-in-law is trying to shoehorn my oldest child into a stiff, tulle monstrosity that looks like a wedding cake exploded. My kid is screaming like a feral cat in a church pew....