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That Christmas Baby Please Come Home Year (Letter To Past Me)
Dear Sarah of exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting in the driver's seat of our crusty Honda Pilot, parked outside a CVS in what can only be described as a disrespectful amount of snow, aggressively crying into a lukewarm...
Troubleshooting the Santa Baby Holiday Aesthetic
Last Tuesday at exactly 6:14 PM, I found myself locked in a physical struggle with a miniature velvet suit. My 11-month-old daughter was screaming like I'd just permanently uninstalled her favorite game, and my wife was standing in the doorway...
A Portland Dad's Honest Guide to Picking Gifts for Infants
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday when our system completely crashed. My son had just executed a flawless, database-corrupting diaper blowout, and my wife and I were running on maybe ninety total minutes of fragmented sleep. The nursery thermostat...
Debugging The King Cake Baby Hazard: A Warning To My Past Self
Dear Marcus of six months ago: Put the fork down. Back away from the pastry. I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting at the kitchen island in the Portland rain, staring at a slice of aggressively colored purple,...
Surviving Baby's First Christmas (Without Losing Your Mind)
I was on my hands and knees under the dining room table at six in the morning, trying to fish a soggy clump of metallic green wrapping paper out of my oldest son's throat while he screamed like a banshee....
That Santa Baby Kim Kardashian Video vs Our Real Holiday Chaos
I was standing dead in the center of my mother-in-law's aggressively pine-scented living room in December 2017, wearing a pair of black maternity leggings that still had a crusty white streak of spit-up down the left thigh, clutching a mug...
Surviving Baby’s First New Year's Eve Without Losing Your Mind
I spent my oldest son’s first New Year’s Eve sitting on the tile floor of our guest bathroom in the pitch black, violently shushing him while my husband stuffed rolled-up towels under the door frame. Jackson was barely seven months...
Debugging the Holiday Magic: Our First Baby Elf Setup
"Put it on the mantle so he knows Santa is watching," my mother told me on Thanksgiving, handing me a felt doll with suspicious eyes and unnaturally long limbs. "Don't bring that surveillance state psychological warfare into your home," my...
A Nurse's Guide to the Infant Holiday Wardrobe Trap
My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen last December holding a miniature polyester tuxedo complete with a clip-on bowtie and tiny suspenders. She fully expected my four-month-old to wear this structural engineering marvel to our family dinner. I spent five...