The Algorithm for a Delayed Shower That Doesn't Suck
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago. You're currently sitting at the kitchen island, staring at a Google Sheet titled Party_Logistics_V3.xlsx, while our five-month-old daughter aggressively chews on a silicone spatula. Since we moved to Portland at 38 weeks pregnant,...
Debugging Baby Gift Baskets: What Sleep-Deprived Parents Need
It’s 3:14 AM. I'm holding a screaming, seven-pound potato in one arm while desperately trying to rip through industrial-grade cellophane with my teeth. The target? A tiny tube of diaper cream buried at the absolute center of one of the...
The Day We Brought A Swamp Creature Into My Kitchen
It was exactly 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in my kitchen wearing my husband’s ten-year-old college sweatshirt with a mysterious bleach stain on the sleeve. I hadn't even taken my first sip of lukewarm oat milk...
So You're Looking for Baby Ducks for Sale? Read This First
"Just get one at Tractor Supply, it's basically a low-maintenance puppy," my neighbor confidently declared over the fence last Tuesday while watering her petunias. "They will literally coat your house in microscopic feces and your children will get dysentery," my...
What to Do When Your Kids Find a Tiny Opossum in the Backyard
Tuesday morning. 7:14 AM. I'm standing in the damp grass wearing my husband's oversized flannel bathrobe, one fuzzy sock because the dog stole the other one, and holding a mug of coffee that has already been microwaved three separate times....
The Great Baby Changing Station Lie: A Dad's Guide To Diapers
I’m holding a wipe in my teeth, my left forearm is pinning a kicking 11-month-old to a foam pad, and I’m desperately trying to unfold a clean diaper with two fingers. The biggest myth they sell you at the shower...
Dear past Priya: the truth about your baby changing pad setup
It's 3:14 in the morning and you're staring at a mustard-colored stain that has somehow defied gravity. The Chicago winter is rattling the windowpanes, the radiator is hissing, and you're holding a screaming infant at arm's length. Dear Priya from...
Surviving a City Baby Bus Ride Without Losing Your Damn Mind
It was 4:17 PM on a Tuesday in November, raining sideways, and I was standing on the corner of 4th and Pike wearing a giant, puffy green coat that made me look like a highly aggressive olive. Leo was six...
That time we met a stranded sea sausage on the Norfolk beach
We were halfway across a devastatingly windy, aggressively grey stretch of the Norfolk coastline when one of the twins pointed a sandy, half-eaten breadstick at what appeared to be an abandoned sleeping bag. It was a bleak Tuesday in October,...