How to Write a Baby Shower Card Without Sounding Delusional
I'm standing in the card aisle of the local Tesco, holding a pastel-yellow envelope and aggressively crossing out a pre-printed poem about 'tiny toes and heavenly woes' with a biro. The cashier is staring at me. I don't care. I'm...
Dear Past Tom: Surviving the Baby Saja Netflix Obsession
Dear Tom of exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the battered grey sofa in our Islington flat, smugly sipping a lukewarm cup of PG Tips. The twins are peacefully napping, and you're thinking to yourself that you've finally...
Capturing the Perfect Baby Picture Without Losing Your Mind
There's a highly specific, sweat-drenched panic that occurs on day nine of a newbornβs life. You're holding your iPhone 12 at a precarious angle over a pile of blankets, your central heating is cranked to thirty degrees, and you're desperately...
The Great Infant Hat Standoff: When Your Child Refuses to Wear One
My forehead is currently resting against the cold Victorian anaglypta wallpaper of our hallway, and I'm quietly pleading with a ten-month-old. She is holding her mustard-yellow knitted beanie in her left fist like a triumphant gladiator holding a severed head....
The Pastoral Fantasy Delusion: Surviving Baby Goats
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, I was covered in a thin but distinct layer of regurgitated infant milk, and I was knee-deep in a Rightmove spiral looking at semi-derelict farmhouses in Somerset. The twins had been tag-teaming a...
The Great "Baby G" Trap: Gear, Gyms, and Surviving the Plastic
It was precisely 3:14 AM when my left heel made contact with something that loudly announced, in a synthesized, aggressively cheerful accent, "I'm a happy purple turtle!" This was the exact moment I realized my living room had been entirely...
The Great Lil Baby Height Panic: A Dad's Late Night Mistakes
The metal tape measure snapped back with the terrifying velocity of a striking cobra, narrowly missing my left eye and causing Twin B to shriek with such piercing intensity that the neighbour's dog immediately began howling in sympathy. It was...
Is the Recaro Baby Seat Actually Worth It? A Twin Dad's Review
The greatest lie the baby gear industry ever sold us is the concept of portability. There's a persistent, completely delusional myth that you'll buy a premium child car seat, click it effortlessly into your vehicle on a Tuesday, and then...
A Safe, Messy Roasted Baby Carrots Recipe for Weaning
I'm currently staring at a smear of pureed orange sludge slowly sliding down my left kitchen cabinet, wondering at what point in my life I became a person who actively scrubs root vegetables off the walls. It's 5:30 PM on...