The Brutal Truth About Baby Bracelets and Why I Totally Panicked
We were somewhere between the second slice of dry Victoria sponge and Florenceβs inevitable afternoon meltdown when my wife's great-aunt produced the velvet box. We had survived the actual christening with only a moderate amount of screaming (mostly from me,...
The Night My G Baby Discovered Her Gums (and Destroyed My Sanity)
It was 3:14 in the morning on a Tuesday, and I was sitting on the edge of the bath in our London flat, entirely motionless, letting my daughter chew aggressively on my left clavicle. We had recently started calling her...
How Much Does It Cost to Have a Baby? A Twin Dad's Honest Maths
I'm currently sitting on the kitchen floor at eleven o'clock at night, staring at my Monzo app while Twin A attempts to aggressively eat a Sainsbury's receipt and Twin B sleeps heavily across my left foot. I can't feel my...
How I Survived the Great Highland Cow Baby Obsession of 2024
I'm currently sitting in the corner of a semi-detached flat in Zone 3 London, making intense eye contact with a six-foot plush Scottish bovine. It has more hair than I do, takes up roughly the same square footage as a...
That Polo G Lyric Sent Me Down a Terrifying Parenting Rabbit Hole
I was elbow-deep in a tub of Sudocrem, trying to wrestle two screaming two-year-old girls into their nighttime nappies, when a playlist I hadnβt updated since 2019 shuffled onto a track by Polo G. I wasn't really listeningβI was mostly...
What The Baby Baby Justin Bieber Era Taught Me About 3 AM
If you want to know exactly how to make sure your child never, ever goes back to sleep, let me share my foolproof method from the first month of raising twins. When you hear the inevitable 3 AM wail, you...
Dear Tom: A guide to surviving the very weird baby alien phase
Dear Tom, You're currently sitting on the edge of a spectacularly uncomfortable plastic mattress in the maternity ward at St Thomas' Hospital, staring into a perspex box containing two squirming, purple, vernix-covered creatures. They look less like the cherubic infants...
An Honest Letter to Past Tom About the Best Baby Shower Gifts
I'm currently staring at a cashmere baby cardigan roughly the size of a teacup, aggressively regretting my life choices. My mate Daveβs gathering is tomorrow afternoon, and I'm writing this as a therapeutic exercise directed entirely at my past selfβspecifically...
The 15-Minute Peace Treaty: Surviving Baby Activity Centers
At exactly 4:12 PM on a rainy Tuesday, I realized I had made a terrible, terrible mistake. I was sitting on our battered London flat's living room rug, nursing a desperately lukewarm cup of tea, while my twin daughters, Maya...