Debugging the Bratty G Baby Phase Before You Lose Your Mind
Yesterday, my 11-month-old threw a shoe at my head because I wouldn't let him eat a handful of potting soil, which prompted three completely different unsolicited diagnoses from the people in my life. My mom, who aggressively refers to him...
Surviving The Boss Bitch Baby Phase Without Losing Your Dignity
Tuesday, 6:14 AM. The sun hasn't quite breached the London skyline, but my flat is already the site of a hostile corporate takeover. Clementine is standing in her cot, holding a soggy rice cake like a gavel, demanding that I...
Freaking Out About The Sugar Baby Movies In My Moms Group
So my sister-in-law is standing by the toddler swings yesterday, violently shaking her Yeti mug in the air, telling me I need to throw Mayaβs iPad straight into the nearest river because she just watched that Sundance documentary. You know...
When "Baby Please Don't Go" Means "Please Stop Giving Me Advice"
I was standing in aisle four of Target, holding a half-empty iced vanilla latte that I had honestly forgotten paying for, while my four-month-old daughter Maya tried to literally eat my hair. She was wearing this pale yellow onesie that...
Are You Raising A Baby Tyrant Or Just A Normal Toddler
We were standing in the kitchen on a Tuesday. Dev was holding a blue plastic cup. I had just handed him the blue plastic cup because, three seconds prior, he had demanded the blue plastic cup. He looked at the...
The Panic-Sweat Guide: Explaining How Babies Are Actually Made
It was a Tuesday morning, exactly 8:14 AM, and I was standing in line at our local bakery wearing a pair of black leggings that I hadn't washed since the weekend. I was holding a terrifyingly hot Americano in one...
What The Kodak Black Baby Mama Drama Teaches Us About Co-Parenting
Dear Jess from six months ago. You're currently sitting on the cold linoleum floor of the laundry room. It's somewhere around 2:17 in the morning, and you've dried spit-up crusted onto the shoulder of your only clean t-shirt. The dryer...
The Honest Truth About Mixing Human Kids And Baby Puppies Now
My grandmother always kept this framed cross-stitch in her kitchen of a rosy-cheeked toddler sleeping peacefully in a wicker basket with a fluffy golden retriever pup tucked right under his arm. Let me just tell y'all, that image is the...
The Baby Grand Era: When Grandmaβs Advice Makes You Want to Scream
I'm staring at a drop-side crib that looks like it survived the Oregon Trail, and my mother-in-law is patting the literal patchwork quilt she just laid inside it. She's telling me how my husband slept in this exact death trap...