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Why nobody warns you about ugly babies and how to survive them
I spent four hours in the maternity ward trying to find an Instagram filter that would make my son look less like a bruised, angry potato. I know we aren't supposed to say that out loud. You're supposed to weep...
When Can You Hear Baby Heartbeat Without Losing Your Mind
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm lying flat on the cold hexagonal tiles of my master bathroom floor, wearing a pair of maternity leggings that are already too tight even though Iβm only nine weeks pregnant, and my...
The Real Signs of Ear Infection in Baby (And What to Ignore)
I'm just gonna be real with youβif I had a dollar for every time my mother-in-law gasped and said, "Oh, he's tugging his ear, it's an infection!" I could have paid off my student loans by now. When my oldest,...
Total System Crash: Troubleshooting Our New Born Baby on Night Four
Itβs 3:14 AM on our fourth night home, and I'm standing over the bassinet holding my phone flashlight like an idiot, trying to count the chest rises of a 7-pound human. My wife is asleep for the first time in...
What An Overdue Celebrity Baby Taught My Debugging Brain
The time was 3:14 AM, and the only sound in our Portland apartment was the rhythmic, aggressive squeak of a purple yoga ball against the hardwood floor. My wife was violently bouncing on it, trying to physically dislodge our stubbornly...
Why Babies Hiccup Constantly (And How to Actually Troubleshoot)
I was holding a plastic spoon with exactly one drop of literal hot sauce on it while my wife Sarah stared at me from the rocking chair like I had lost my mind. My mother-in-law had just texted me a...
How to Reduce Fever in Baby Naturally Without Losing Your Mind
It was exactly 2:14 AM when my middle child, Carter, rolled over into my arm and felt like a literal baked potato fresh out of the oven. I'm talking radiating heat. I sat up in the dark, frantically feeling his...
Dear Past Me: Please Stop Stressing Over the Baby Weight Chart
I was cleaning out my messy Google Drive about 6 months agoβlooking for a recipe I never ended up makingβand I found a draft of a letter I had started writing to my past self. I was looking at old...
The 3 AM Baby Vicks Rub Panic and How I Finally Got My Kid to Sleep
It was exactly 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in mid-November, and I was standing in the middle of the nursery wearing yesterdayβs yoga pants with an unidentifiable crusty stain on the knee, holding a half-empty mug of room-temperature coffee that...