Why I Stopped Buying $45 Polyester Baby Pumpkins (And What I Do Now)
There I was, sitting on the porch steps in the humid Texas heat, trying to pry a screaming six-month-old out of a rigid polyester pumpkin suit that somehow didn't have a single snap at the crotch. My oldest daughterβwho's now...
System Failure: Searching for Baby Clothes Near Me in Portland
The sound was suspiciously similar to a ketchup bottle emptying its final contents, but we were miles from a diner and my eleven-month-old daughter was entirely too pleased with herself. We were at Mt. Tabor park, I was trying to...
Before and After: Surviving the Panic of Your Kid's Baby Steps
I'm sitting on the floor of our living room. Itβs a Tuesday in late 2021, and I'm wearing a pair of black leggings that have a mystery yogurt stain crusted onto the left knee. My son, Leo, who's thirteen months...
Why your baby hangers are ruining perfectly good clothes
Tuesday, 3 AM. The vomit reached his elbows. I stripped him down in the dark, wiping him with a cold wet wipe because hospital triage rules apply when bodily fluids breach the sleep sack. I reached into the closet for...
How to Survive Your Baby Announcement With Your Dignity Intact
I'm standing in our damp London garden, holding two helium balloons shaped like the numbers one and two, while my wife tries to gently coax our neurotic rescue greyhound into wearing a chalkboard sign around his neck. The sign says...
The Ridiculous Truth About Buying Baby Uggs For Your Newborn
November 2017. I was sitting at a crowded Starbucks on 4th street, wearing yoga pants that were definitely covered in spit-up, frantically wrestling a tiny, caramel-colored sheepskin bootie onto seven-month-old Maya's left foot for the eighth time in twenty minutes....
Nostalgia and Reality: Hiring Your First Sitter
I'm standing in my kitchen, wearing a nursing bra stained with something yellow, staring at a sixteen-year-old named Chloe who just asked me if babies can eat grapes whole. This was my first attempt at hiring a baby sitter. I...
Why Babydoll Dresses Are Secretly a Parent's Best Friend
Itβs ninety-five degrees in East Texas, and my mother-in-law is trying to shoehorn my oldest child into a stiff, tulle monstrosity that looks like a wedding cake exploded. My kid is screaming like a feral cat in a church pew....
My Guide to Every Type of Gap Baby You Will Actually Encounter
I was sitting on the sticky linoleum floor of the Woodfield Mall family restroom when the reality of my life choices hit me. My toddler was screaming at a decibel level that usually triggers a code blue on a pediatric...