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3 AM Teething Panics And The Nikki Baby Google Search Spiral
At 3:17 AM on a Tuesday, I'm standing in the middle of the nursery holding a glowing infrared forehead thermometer like a phaser set to stun. My 11-month-old is thrashing around in his crib like a fish on a dock,...
The Morbid Truth About Rock a Bye Baby and Why It Still Works
Don't open up a search engine at three in the morning to research the origins of nursery rhymes while bouncing a screaming infant. It's a terrible idea that only leads to weird historical rabbit holes and more anxiety. I know...
Why The Modern Baby-Sitters Club Reboot Is Actually Good
Sitting on my sofa last weekend, I made a critical error in judgment. I queued up the baby-sitters club 1995 movie for my ten-year-old niece, Maya, expecting a beautiful bonding moment over vintage denim and childhood innocence. Don't do this....
Debugging Fatherhood: What Silverbacks Taught Me About Babies
I was standing in our Portland kitchen at 3 AM, wearing a stained t-shirt and intensely color-coding my son's diaper output in a spreadsheet, when I realized my troubleshooting manual for fatherhood was completely corrupted. The lactation consultant at the...
Dear Jess: The Unfiltered Truth About Buying Baby Detergent
Dear Jess from six months ago, I see you standing there in aisle 14 of the H-E-B in Corsicana, completely frozen. You've got your two-year-old hanging off the front of the shopping cart trying to eat a bruised banana, your...
Why I Stopped Buying $45 Polyester Baby Pumpkins (And What I Do Now)
There I was, sitting on the porch steps in the humid Texas heat, trying to pry a screaming six-month-old out of a rigid polyester pumpkin suit that somehow didn't have a single snap at the crotch. My oldest daughterβwho's now...
System Failure: Searching for Baby Clothes Near Me in Portland
The sound was suspiciously similar to a ketchup bottle emptying its final contents, but we were miles from a diner and my eleven-month-old daughter was entirely too pleased with herself. We were at Mt. Tabor park, I was trying to...
The truth about baby bump timelines and why apps lie to you
I was standing in our kitchen holding a retractable Stanley tape measure against my wife's stomach, trying to log exactly how many centimeters her abdomen had grown since the previous Tuesday. She looked down at me like I was trying...
The Accidental Winnie the Pooh Baby Shower Guide for Anxious Dads
Dear Tom from six months ago. You're currently hiding in the downstairs loo. I know this because I'm you, and I remember the exact texture of the bathmat you're presently sitting on while trying to escape the chaos of your...