The Humiliating Reality of Trying Baby Yoga With Twins
I'm currently lying on a foam mat that smells faintly of damp digestive biscuits and municipal floor cleaner in a drafty church hall in Hackney. The instructor, a woman named Serenity who's wearing linen trousers that look entirely too comfortable...
When that angry red nappy rash is actually a fungal invasion
I was standing over the changing mat at three in the morning with Twin A, heavily sleep-deprived and holding a spatula covered in Sudocrem, when I realised the biggest lie in modern parenting is that every red bottom just needs...
When your baby won't stop crying and the manuals are useless
It's 4:13 AM, and I'm bouncing on a grey exercise ball in the middle of my living room, clutching Florence, who's currently emitting a sound I can only describe as a fire engine trapped inside a very angry cat. Matilda,...
What I wish I knew about raising our baby with Down syndrome
Hey man. Itβs Marcus. Or rather, itβs you, exactly six months in the future. I know exactly what youβre doing right now. Youβre sitting in the blue glow of the humidifier at 3:17 AM, holding your phone six inches from...
A Dad's Guide to Newborn Investment Accounts and Dictator Logic
Dear Marcus from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the floor of the nursery surrounded by three different W-2 forms, a half-eaten sleeve of stale saltines, and your phone open to a deeply unhinged Reddit thread about IRS Form...
Dear Past Marcus: A Warning About The Teething Firmware Update
Right now, you're sitting on the edge of the nursery rug in the dark. It's 2:14 AM. The baby is screaming with the intensity of a dial-up modem connecting to a bad server, and you're holding a digital thermometer that...
The Truth About Buying a Baby Taylor Guitar for Kids
I'm currently watching roughly three hundred and fifty quidβs worth of solid Sitka spruce being used as a battering ram against my Ikea coffee table. My twin daughters, who possess the combined destructive power of a small localized tornado, have...
Why OPI's "Baby Take a Vow" Polish Caused a Panic in Our House
The smell hit me before I saw the damage. It was that sharp, chemical scent of a beauty salon, floating down the hallway and completely overpowering the faint aroma of stale oat milk and damp wool that usually defines our...
Why my timeline for a new baby sister is completely broken
I was staring at a plastic stick with two bright pink lines on our bathroom counter, right next to a half-chewed rice rusk that Leo, my 11-month-old, had abandoned to go fight the bath mat. My wife picked up the...