What the Greg Gutfeld Baby News Taught Me About Newborn Chaos

Dear Jess from six months ago,

You're currently sitting on the beige living room rug that desperately needs vacuuming, aggressively rocking a screaming baby with your left foot while trying to untangle a botched macrame order for the Etsy shop with your right hand. Your coffee is cold. You've got spit-up on a shirt you've worn for three days straight. And the TV is just humming in the background, playing some clip of Greg Gutfeld talking about coming back from a 46-day paternity leave.

You probably paused what you were doing, stared at the screen, and thought, Lord have mercy, this man is sixty years old having his first baby. If I'm this exhausted at thirty-something, his spine has to be literally turning to dust.

I'm writing this to you from the future, basically to tell you to take a deep breath, put down the macrame cord, and listen to me. Because watching the whole media circus around that newborn made me realize a few things about the absolute circus we've been running in our own house.

Stop letting him play the bumbling dad card

thing is that made my eye twitch while watching that segment. Gutfeld was up there on TV making all these jokes about how he's "terrible at everything" with the baby, and how he just relies on his wife for the actual hard stuff like 2 a.m. feedings and diaper blowouts while he provides "emotional support." Bless his heart, but that's exactly the kind of trap you're letting your own husband fall into right now.

I know you think it's just easier to do it yourself because he puts the diaper on backward or doesn't know where the wipes are kept. But my doctor, Dr. Evans, looked at me when our oldest was a month old and I was hallucinating from sleep deprivation, and she told me that carrying the whole mental load is exactly how maternal burnout and postpartum depression sneak in through the back door. She threw some statistics at me about shared nighttime duties keeping your brain chemistry somewhat level, and while I couldn't tell you the exact science behind it right now, I know that getting a solid four hours of sleep keeps me from wanting to pack a bag and move to a motel in Dallas.

So you've got to stop hovering over his shoulder and just let him fumble with the swaddle and figure out the burping routine while you go lock yourself in the bedroom with some earplugs.

As for the internet rumors, I swear the amount of folks typing "greg gutfeld baby adopted" into their search bars like it's some grand true crime conspiracy just goes to show people have way too much free time, considering his wife literally went through a nine-month pregnancy.

The great bassinet migration

Let's talk about where this baby is actually sleeping, because I know you're currently stressing over the nursery setup. You saw Gutfeld mention moving into a bigger apartment to fit a bassinet, and it probably made you look around our cramped rural Texas house and panic.

My grandma always said babies don't need square footage, they just need a flat surface and a quiet room, and honestly, she wasn't entirely wrong. I remember Dr. Evans muttering something about room-sharing cutting the SIDS risk in half, but whether that's because of the baby's breathing patterns regulating with yours or just the fact that neither of you ever achieves deep sleep, I couldn't tell you. The official guideline is to keep them in a bassinet in your room for six to twelve months.

But I'm just gonna be real with you: around month four, when the baby starts grunting like a wild boar at 3 a.m. and waking you up every time they shift their weight, you're going to drag that bassinet into the hallway. And that's okay. You're doing your best.

What you actually should be buying

Since we're on a tight budget with three kids under five, I need you to stop buying cheap, synthetic garbage from those late-night Instagram ads. You remember what happened with our oldest. We bought all that scratchy polyester junk and his eczema flared up so bad he looked like a little cheese grater. It wasn't worth the ten dollars we saved.

If you're going to spend money, put it toward the Organic Cotton Baby Bodysuit Sleeveless Infant Onesie. I'm not kidding, this thing has been a lifesaver for the newest baby. It's got 95% organic cotton, so it doesn't trigger those weird red rashes that happen when they sweat in their car seat during a Texas summer. The neck is stretchy enough that you don't feel like you're wrestling an octopus when there's a blowout and you've to pull the whole thing down over their shoulders instead of over their head. Yes, it costs a little more up front, but it doesn't disintegrate after three runs through our ancient washing machine.

If you need more neutral, actually breathable clothes that won't make you want to rip your hair out during changes, go check out Kianao's organic clothing collection. Just trust me on this one.

Now, I know you've got that Bubble Tea Teether Silicone Baby Gum Soother sitting in your online cart because you think it's hilarious and aesthetic. I'll be honest with you—it's just okay. The silicone is nice and safe, and it's definitely cute, but half the time the baby drops it on the floor, and the dog thinks it's a new chew toy. You'll spend more time washing dog hair off the little "boba pearls" than the baby will spend chewing on it. Sometimes they honestly prefer a cold, wet washcloth from the freezer. Buy it if it makes you smile, but don't expect it to be magic.

What you will seriously use every single day is the Wooden Baby Gym. You're going to set this thing up on the rug, and it's going to buy you exactly fourteen minutes of peace to fold the laundry and respond to Etsy customers. Unlike those plastic, neon monstrosities that sing off-key carnival music and give me a migraine, this one is just wood and quiet little hanging toys. The baby stares at the little elephant, tries to bat at the rings, and tires themselves out without overstimulating their brain (or mine). It's worth every penny just for the silence.

Give yourself some grace

Look, whether you're a sixty-year-old millionaire on TV figuring out how to hold a newborn, or a tired mom in rural Texas trying to keep three kids alive while running a small business, the newborn phase is just a trench you've to crawl through. The greg gutfeld baby news was just a funny reminder that this exhaustion is universal.

You're not failing just because your house is a wreck and your husband had to ask you where the size one diapers are for the fifth time this week. Drink some water, put the baby under the wooden play gym, and go take a hot shower.

You've got this.

Love,
Jess (six months from now, currently hiding in the pantry eating stale goldfish crackers)

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FAQs about surviving the newborn phase

Is it seriously harder having a baby when you're older?
I mean, my knees pop when I bend down to pick up a pacifier and I'm only in my thirties, so I can't even imagine doing this at sixty like some folks! The physical toll is no joke. But on the flip side, older parents usually have way more patience and financial stability than I did when I had my first. They've lived their lives and aren't feeling that FOMO when they're stuck on the couch at 9 p.m. on a Friday night with a sleeping infant on their chest.

How do you get a clueless partner to seriously help?
You have to physically walk away. Seriously. If you swoop in every time the baby cries or every time he fumbles with the snaps on a onesie, he's never going to learn, and you're going to be exhausted and resentful. Hand him the baby, tell him you're going to take a bath, and lock the door. They'll figure it out. The baby won't break.

What's the deal with the Gutfeld baby rumors?
People were all over the internet whispering about adoption just because they're an older couple, which is ridiculous. His wife gave birth. Honestly, people are way too obsessed with the biology of strangers' families. A baby is a baby, and they all wake up at 2 a.m. regardless of how they got here.

How do I dress a newborn with sensitive skin?
Ditch anything synthetic. My mom always swore by cheap polyester blends because they don't wrinkle, but they trap heat and sweat like nobody's business. Stick to organic cotton or bamboo. It breathes better, washes softer, and won't turn your kid's skin into a bumpy, red mess when the weather gets warm.

Do those aesthetic wooden toys genuinely work?
Surprisingly, yes. I used to roll my eyes at the neutral, wooden Montessori stuff and thought kids needed bright flashing lights to stay entertained. Turns out, the loud plastic stuff just overstimulates them and makes them cranky faster. A simple wooden play gym with some dangling shapes holds their attention, builds their motor skills, and doesn't make me want to throw it out the window when I've a headache.