The 3 AM Fart Wars: Baby Gas Relief

It's 2:14 in the morning. I'm wearing a stretched-out nursing bra that smells faintly of sour milk and desperation, sitting cross-legged on the nursery rug, furiously pumping my three-week-old son's legs like he's trying to win the Tour de France. Dave is standing in the doorway in his boxers, looking deeply panicked while holding a lukewarm bottle of some £40 imported European goat milk formula we ordered from a sketchy website because a woman in my mom's Facebook group swore it cured her kid's colic. Leo is screaming like a pterodactyl. I'm crying. The dog is hiding in the bathtub.

If you're reading this, you're probably in the thick of the infant gas trenches, desperately scrolling your phone with one thumb while bouncing a rigid, unhappy bowling ball of a child. I see you. I was you. I spent the first two months of Leo's life convinced that his gastrointestinal tract was uniquely broken and that everything was entirely my fault.

I literally survived on plain oatmeal, boiled chicken, and crippling anxiety because I thought my broccoli habit and the one splash of milk in my morning coffee was turning my breastmilk into toxic gas-juice. I cut out dairy, soy, gluten, cruciferous vegetables, and basically all joy. I was so hungry all the time. But guess what? He was STILL gassy. Because as our pediatrician Dr. Miller—who always looks at me like I need a nap and a strong margarita—finally told me, all babies are gassy. It's not the broccoli.

Anyway, the point is, their little digestive systems are just totally uncalibrated when they're born. They swallow air when they cry, they swallow air when they frantically gulp their milk, and then the normal bacteria in their stomachs break down the food and create MORE air. And because they literally haven't figured out how to use their abdominal muscles yet to push it out, the gas just gets trapped. It’s a biological glitch. It sucks, but it's normal.

Drop the gripe water and get on the floor

Let me just save you thirty bucks right now and tell you that gripe water is basically just expensive, unregulated herbal hope in a bottle that did absolutely nothing for us except make Leo smell strongly of fennel, so skip it and focus on physically getting the air out of their bodies instead.

You have to mechanically move the gas through them. This is where the whole bicycle legs thing comes in. You just kind of lay them flat and shove their little knees gently up toward their armpits and pedal their legs around in circles until a fart pops out. Sometimes it works immediately and they look so surprised, like they can't believe their own butt just made that noise.

Then there's the "I Love You" massage, which Dr. Miller showed us, where you're supposed to trace the letters I, L, and U on their belly following their intestinal tract to push the bubbles down. Which sounds beautiful and bonding in theory, but when you're running on two hours of sleep and an iced coffee from yesterday, trying to remember which way is clockwise on a squirming, screaming baby who's actively peeing on the changing table is basically advanced calculus. I just rubbed his belly in circles and prayed.

Tummy time is secretly fart time

Here's a hack I learned completely by accident. The gentle pressure of the floor against a baby's stomach during tummy time naturally forces the trapped air out. But the catch is, babies absolutely hate tummy time. Leo used to just faceplant into the rug and scream louder, which made him swallow more air, defeating the entire purpose.

You have to distract them so they stay on their stomachs long enough for gravity to do its thing. When Maya was born a few years later and we went through the exact same gas phase (because apparently I learned nothing and panicked all over again), I realized that giving her something to chew on while she was on her belly was the holy grail.

We had this Handmade Wood & Silicone Teether Ring from Kianao. I know it’s technically for when their teeth come in, but hear me out. The wooden ring is just heavy enough that she could grip it, and she'd get so incredibly obsessed with trying to shove the silicone beads into her mouth that she’d stay propped up on her tummy for like, a solid ten minutes without realizing she was doing tummy time. And then? Pfffft. Music to my exhausted ears. I honestly love this thing. We had the Yellow Dusk color, and it’s naturally antibacterial so you can just wipe it off when they inevitably spit up all over it. It saved my sanity during those awful fussy evening hours.

If you're dealing with a kid who turns into a rigid board of rage every time you put them on the floor, you really need to check out some of the organic baby accessories at Kianao. Distraction is everything.

The mid-back burp epiphany

So Dave was always the better burper. I'd pat the babies high up on their shoulders, right? Like you see actresses do in movies. But Dr. Miller told us the stomach is actually way lower down, so you've to pat them on the mid-back, almost awkwardly low, to actually hit the spot where the air is trapped.

We started doing that, and we started pausing halfway through every single feed to force a burp before they could gulp down more milk. The burps that came out of this tiny eight-pound babie were genuinely terrifying. Like a grown man at a pub who just finished a pint. It was loud and wet and completely fixed her mood instantly.

You also have to catch them before they start crying. If you wait until they're screaming for food, they suck down so much air in their panic. My mom used to text me constantly—she refuses to put her reading glasses on when texting—asking "how is the babi doing today?" and I'd reply, "still a gas machine," because we were always missing his early hunger cues. Catch them when they're just smacking their lips and rooting around, before the meltdown begins.

Okay but what about drops?

Simethicone gas drops are the only thing you'll find at the pharmacy that doctors actually kind of agree might do something, because they theoretically break up big gas bubbles in the stomach into smaller bubbles that are easier to pass. Did they work for us? I honestly have no idea.

I think half the time the aggressively sweet taste of the drops just shocked Maya into silence long enough for her to calm down and stop swallowing air. Our doctor said if you're gonna use them, you've to use them proactively throughout the day, not at 10 PM when the baby is already losing their absolute mind, which of course is the only time I ever remembered to use them.

The frantic chewing phase

Eventually, around 3 or 4 months, the gas seriously does get better because their gut matures and they learn how to poop without it being a full-body athletic event. But right when the gas fades, the teething starts. Because nature is a cruel, cruel joke.

And when their gums hurt, they start aggressively gnawing on their fists, which makes them drool and swallow MORE air, and suddenly you're back to having a fussy, gassy kid. To stop the frantic air-gulping, you've to give them something safe to chew that isn't their own thumb.

We tried the Squirrel Teether Silicone Baby Gum Soother for Maya. It’s cute, it’s 100% silicone, and you can throw it in the dishwasher which is frankly the only way I wash anything in my house anymore. Maya liked it okay, but honestly, she’d throw it off the stroller a lot. It’s a perfectly solid teether and I appreciated that I could chill it in the fridge to numb her gums, but it just wasn't her absolute favorite because she preferred the hard wooden textures.

Now, the Bear Teething Rattle was a totally different story. It has this little crochet bear head attached to a smooth beechwood ring. I’d shake it to distract Leo when he was doing his red-faced gas-pushing grunts, and once he grabbed it, he'd chew on the wooden ring like a little beaver building a dam. Wood is firm enough to genuinely provide pressure against their swollen gums, and again, I loved that it was completely free of toxic crap.

This whole gassy phase ends, I promise you. One day you'll wake up and realize your baby just figured out how to fart like a regular person, and you'll get your evenings back. Until then, stop starving yourself of dairy, keep pedaling those tiny legs, pour yourself another cup of coffee, and know you aren't doing anything wrong.

When you're ready to upgrade your distraction game, definitely browse Kianao's teething toys to keep those little hands and mouths busy so they swallow less air in the first place.

Real answers for exhausted parents

How long does the gassy baby phase honestly last?
Oh god, it feels like eternity when you're in it, but it usually peaks around 6 weeks. By 3 to 4 months, their digestive systems mature and they honestly learn how to coordinate their muscles to pass gas without screaming. Just hold on until month four.

Is my breastmilk causing my baby's gas?
Probably not! I starved myself thinking it was my fault, but pediatricians say universal infant gas is just caused by an immature gut and swallowed air. Unless your doctor diagnoses a specific allergy (like milk soy protein intolerance, which usually comes with bloody stools), please eat your normal food. You need the calories right now.

Can I use a teether to help with baby gas?
Indirectly, yes! Giving babies a teether during tummy time distracts them so they stay on their stomachs longer, and the pressure of the floor helps push the gas out. Also, chewing soothes them, which stops them from frantically crying and swallowing more air.

What's the difference between gas and colic?
Gas makes them squirm, pull their legs up, and get red in the face, but they usually calm down after they fart or poop. Colic is the "Rule of 3s"—inconsolable crying for more than 3 hours a day, 3 days a week, for 3 weeks. If bicycle legs and a good burp don't fix it, and they just cry for hours, talk to your pediatrician.

Do gas drops really do anything?
Simethicone drops break up big bubbles into smaller ones. Some parents swear by them, but my doctor said the evidence is pretty limited. If you use them, you're supposed to give them preventatively with feeds, not after the baby is already a screaming mess. Mostly, I think the sweet flavor just distracted my kids for a second.