What Every Parent Needs to Know About the 'Baby Jeeter' Scare

I was on my hands and knees under my younger brother Tyler’s incredibly ugly leather sofa, fishing out a rogue handful of cheerios that had somehow become cemented in golden retriever hair, when I saw it. A brightly colored, tiny little glass jar with a pastel label that smelled exactly like a strawberry Jolly Rancher. It said "Baby Jeeter" right on the side in cute, trendy lettering. Naturally, because my brain is essentially ninety percent pureed peas and severe sleep deprivation at this point, my very first thought was, Oh, Tyler bought his nephew a fancy new teething toy, bless his heart.

My oldest son—who's an absolute walking cautionary tale of why you need baby gates bolted to the actual foundation of your house—was two at the time and currently going through a phase where he would put literally anything in his mouth, including handfuls of driveway dirt. So, I just casually grabbed the little tube, thinking it was some organic drop or maybe a weird modern pacifier.

I twisted the cap off this cute little jar expecting to find a silicone nipple. Instead, my nose got hit with a smell that was equal parts artificial strawberry and straight-up skunk.

It wasn't a baby product. It was a pre-rolled, hyper-potent marijuana joint.

The absolute audacity of the packaging

I'm just gonna be real with you, I completely lost my mind on my brother right then and there. Tyler tried to defend himself, mumbling something about how a baby j is just a mini pre-roll meant for a quick smoke, but I wasn't hearing it. You don't put the word "baby" on a glass tube of drugs and leave it on the floor where a toddler who thinks everything is a fruit snack can find it. My grandma always told me that you can't trust anything that comes in a neon package, and I used to roll my eyes because she said that about my favorite breakfast cereal, but honestly, the woman was a prophet.

The marketing on these things is what makes my blood boil to the point where I want to write a strongly worded letter to whoever is in charge of this stuff. They flavor them to smell like Mango Sherb or Strawberry or whatever, completely masking that distinct weed smell that normally alerts a parent that something sketchy is in the room. To a hungry 18-month-old, a tiny tube that smells like a candy factory is basically an invitation to take a bite.

And it's not just the smell or the cutesy name that makes these baby jeeters so infuriating to me as a mom. It's the size. They're perfectly miniature, almost identical to those little tubes of homeopathic teething pellets they sell at the drugstore, making it horrifyingly easy for them to get mixed up in the bottom of a diaper bag or a purse if you've relatives who use them legally.

Teenagers apparently love these things because they're so tiny and easy to hide in a pocket, but honestly, that's a whole other terrifying headache for when my kids hit middle school and I just can't deal with that today.

What my frantic doctor call taught me

After I kicked my brother out of his own living room and scrubbed my hands like I was prepping for surgery, I called my pediatrician, Dr. Evans. Now, I'm not a doctor, and half the time I can barely remember my own zip code, but what she told me scared the absolute mess out of me. She kind of explained that these little infused joints aren't just regular old marijuana from the nineties, but they're dipped or rolled in some super concentrated stuff that makes the THC levels skyrocket.

She told me that kids under three are so tiny that if they ingest that massive dump of psychoactive chemicals, their little central nervous systems just sort of shut down. From my panicked understanding of her medical jargon, they can become completely unresponsive, their breathing can slow down to a dangerous crawl, and they might even end up in a coma, which is exactly why you shouldn't sit around waiting to see if they just look a little sleepy if you think they ate one.

If you stumble across one of these fruity smelling little nightmares at a family BBQ or your teenager's backpack, you just need to scoop it up, lock it in a toolbox where no kid can ever reach it, and call poison control at 1-800-222-1222 immediately if you even suspect your toddler got their hands on it instead of playing the waiting game.

Real talk about what babies actually need to chew on

Look, after the whole couch incident, I became borderline psycho about what I let my kids put in their mouths. We're on a strict budget around here because daycare costs more than my mortgage, so spending money on safe, clearly labeled baby gear is an investment I actually have to budget for. I don't have time for sketchy materials.

If your kid is in that terrible, drooly, miserable teething phase where they're biting the coffee table, they need something real. I actually bought the Panda Teether Silicone Baby Bamboo Chew Toy Soothing Gum Relief for my middle child last year. Let me tell you, she gnawed on this thing like a little beaver building a dam. I love it because it’s 100% food-grade silicone, totally BPA-free, and most importantly, it honestly looks like a baby toy, not a drug tube. The little textures on it seemed to really help when her molars were coming in, and it's cheap enough that when we inevitably lost one somewhere in the aisles of H-E-B, I didn't sit in my car and cry about the wasted money.

Now, I also bought the Organic Cotton Baby Bodysuit Sleeveless Infant Onesie around the same time. I'm gonna be completely honest with you—it's just okay. The organic cotton is undeniably soft, and I love that there aren't any harsh dyes rubbing against her eczema-prone skin, but my youngest is an absolute chunker and he stretched out the leg holes by lunchtime. It's totally fine for layering under a sleep sack or wearing around the house on a hot Texas afternoon, but just keep your expectations realistic if you've a baby with thighs like a linebacker.

You can explore more safe, organic teething toys here if you're trying to clear out the plastic junk from your house like I did.

Creating a safe zone on the floor

After the great brother-banishment of 2022, I realized that my babies spend ninety percent of their day on the floor. The floor is their entire world. If it's on the floor, it belongs to them. That means I've to be in control of what's down there.

When my youngest was a newborn, I finally chucked all the loud, flashing plastic garbage that my mother-in-law kept buying us. You know the ones—the mats that play electronic farm animal noises until you want to pull your own hair out. Instead, I grabbed the Wooden Baby Gym | Rainbow Play Gym Set with Animal Toys. It's so much better for my sanity. It’s pretty, it’s made of natural wood, and the gentle little animal toys give him something to bat at without overstimulating him into a screaming meltdown right at 4 PM when I'm trying to figure out what to cook for dinner. Plus, it's sturdy enough that when my toddler inevitably trips over it, it doesn't shatter into a million sharp plastic shards.

The peace of mind that comes from knowing exactly what your kid is touching, chewing, and playing with is worth every single penny. We as parents have enough to worry about without having to decode whether a brightly colored package in a relative's house is a harmless candy or a trip to the emergency room.

Before we get to the messy questions I know you probably have, make sure you take a look at the organic baby play gyms collection to give your baby a safe space that seriously looks nice in your living room.

Questions you might be too tired to Google

What do I seriously do if I find one of these tubes in my house?

Honestly, you confront whoever brought it in and you lay down the law. It goes in a locked box up high or it goes in the trash, period. If it belongs to a guest, they can leave it in their locked car. I don't care if it makes family dinners awkward; an awkward Thanksgiving is better than sitting in a pediatric ER because your one-year-old thought a marijuana joint was a fruit roll-up.

How can I tell the difference between these and real baby stuff?

It's terrifyingly hard sometimes at a quick glance, but look for the mandatory legal warning labels that usually have a little marijuana leaf symbol or say "THC" somewhere on the glass or plastic. Also, real baby products don't usually smell like a 2004 Bath and Body Works spray mixed with a skunk. If it smells artificially sweet but weird, trust your gut and get it out of reach.

Is the Panda Teether hard to clean?

Not at all, which is the only reason it survived in my house. I just chuck it in the top rack of the dishwasher in one of those little basket cages every night, or I scrub it with hot soapy water in the sink when I'm doing the million baby bottles I've to wash daily. It doesn't get weirdly sticky like some of the cheap plastic ones do.

Why is the word baby even allowed on these things?

Your guess is as good as mine, y'all. From what I understand of the industry loop-holes, they use "baby" to describe the size of the product, not who it's for. It's a marketing gimmick to sell mini versions to adults. It's incredibly tone-deaf and dangerous, but until the laws catch up with common sense, we just have to be the crazy paranoid moms double-checking everything.

Will the wooden play gym tip over if my older kid bumps it?

My four-year-old is essentially a wrecking ball in human form, and while he has definitely knocked it sideways a few times, the A-frame design is surprisingly stable. It doesn't easily collapse on the baby. Just use common sense and don't let your older kids use it as a tent frame, and it should hold up beautifully.