Why we sing about dropping infants from trees at 3 AM
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was covered in a suspicious damp patch that smelled faintly of sour milk and sheer defeat. Florence was doing her absolute best impression of a dying swan, arching her back with...
The midnight debugging of the rockabye baby lyrics
It's exactly 3:14 AM. The rain in Portland is doing that aggressive, sideways thing against the nursery window, and my son is currently running his four-month firmware update, which apparently means his system has completely forgotten how to execute a...
Why googling "Luna baby" at 3 AM is actually a terrible idea
I'm sitting on the cold, hexagonal tile of my master bathroom floor, and it's exactly 3:14 AM. I know it's 3:14 AM because the glowing red numbers on the digital clock Dave insisted we put in there are glaring at...
Googling Lil Baby The Leaks Album During A 3AM Diaper Blowout
I was standing barefoot in the dark hallway at 3:14 AM, holding my youngest kid away from my body like he was a ticking bomb. Baby T had just managed to produce a mustard-colored blowout so completely catastrophic that it...
Why That Baby Star They Regret Losing Drama Wrecked My Sleep
The blue light from my cracked iPhone screen was violently illuminating the dried spit-up on my shoulder, and the microwave clock in the kitchen read exactly 3:14 AM. I was pinned under an eighteen-pound milk-drunk four-month-old, my legs were entirely...
The Bruce Bolt Graduated Compression Arm Sleeve - Baby Blue
It was 3:14 AM, the glow of my second monitor was illuminating the living room wall, and I was holding a cylindrical tube of incredibly tight, moisture-wicking spandex next to my 11-month-oldβs chubby left forearm. He was gnawing on a...
Dear Past Marcus: Debugging the Baby Brezza Formula Pro Advanced
Dear Marcus from six months ago, It's currently 3:14 AM. You're standing barefoot on the cold kitchen tiles of our Portland apartment, illuminated only by the aggressive, blinking red light of a plastic tower. You're holding a screaming five-month-old in...
How Always Be My Baby Lyrics Fixed My Kid's 2 AM Sleep Bug
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, the Portland rain is actively trying to break my windowpanes, and I'm standing in the exact center of the nursery desperately trying to remember the bridge to a 1996 Mariah Carey pop anthem. My...
The tatu baby search that completely broke my dad brain at 2 AM
2:14 AM. The nursery is exactly 68.5 degrees. The white noise machine is pushing out a continuous loop of brown noise at precisely 42 decibels. My 11-month-old daughter is asleep on my chest, breathing 32 times a minute. I know...