Spotting A Baby Mole: When To Panic And When To Just Chill Out
My mother-in-law was leaning so far over the changing table I thought she was going to fall straight into the Diaper Genie. We were visiting for Sunday dinner, and I was just trying to get my oldest sonβwho's basically my...
The 3AM Headlamp Operation: Surviving The Infant Nail Care Phase
I'm hovering over Maya's cot like a deeply unqualified jewel thief. It's 3:14 AM. I'm wearing a 400-lumen camping headlamp, holding my breath so hard my vision is blurring, and my hands are hovering over a sleeping toddler with a...
The Complete Nightmare of Choosing a Baby Girl Name
I was thirty-four hours post-C-section, wearing those horrific mesh hospital underwear and a nursing bra that smelled entirely like sour milk and desperation, just staring at this blank government form. The birth certificate lady was hovering by the door holding...
Surviving a Baby With No Money Left (Especially When It's Twins)
I was sitting in the driverβs seat of a 2011 Vauxhall Astra in the car park of St Thomasβ Hospital, staring at the NatWest app on my cracked phone screen. My wife was in the passenger seat, clutching a strip...
Surviving a Baby Ostrich Encounter With Your Sanity Intact
Before we packed up the minivan to visit the drive-through wildlife ranch out by the highway last weekend, I managed to get three entirely contradictory pieces of advice about the ostriches. My mom, bless her heart, told me on the...
Surviving the great baby pancake experiment of our weaning era
I'm currently scraping a piece of fossilised banana oat batter off the kitchen ceiling with a plastic spatula. It's 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, and the great weaning experiment has officially breached containment. Maya is covered in a sticky paste...
Why Tiny Panther Movies and Reptile Pets Break Baby's System
I was holding exactly one half of a mashed banana when my seven-year-old nephew, visiting from Seattle for the weekend, loudly demanded we acquire a baby panther. It was 7:15 AM on a Saturday. My eleven-month-old son was currently mashing...
The Viral Baby Pelican Meme and What We Actually Learn from Seabirds
It was 3:17 AM, and my oldest sonβwho's now five and is my daily cautionary tale of why we don't negotiate with emotional terroristsβwas screaming his head off for the fourth time that night. I was scrolling Tumblr in the...
Why Getting A Pet Piglet Might Actually Break Your Spirit
When we decided the twins needed to learn some sort of vague responsibility that didn't involve keeping me awake until 3am, the advice rolled in like a thick London fog. My mother suggested a golden retriever because they supposedly teach...