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Hosting a Baby in Bloom Baby Shower: A Dad's Survival Guide
You're currently bleeding on a Β£40 bunch of imported eucalyptus. I know this because I'm you, writing from exactly six months in the future, and I still have the tiny, irritating scar on my left index finger to prove it....
How to Take Decent Baby Pictures Without Losing Your Entire Mind
I was sweating through my favorite gray t-shirt, balancing on one foot on a dining room chair, making noises that sounded like a dying turkey. Below me, my oldest son, Hunter, was screaming bloody murder from inside a $60 woven...
Why my toddler's search for baby hotline lyrics gave me a heart attack
It's 6:13 AM on a Tuesday, and my left knee is submerged in what I can only hope is lukewarm porridge. Twin A, who I'm increasingly convinced is an agent of chaos sent to test my blood pressure, has somehow...
The Bizarre Lifecycle of Infant Hair (And Why We Don't Shave It)
My mother-in-law was dead serious when she handed me my beard trimmer. We were sitting in the living room, staring at the side of my 11-month-old's head, which currently looked like a poorly maintained lawn. He had thick patches on...
The Baby Grand Era: When Grandmaβs Advice Makes You Want to Scream
I'm staring at a drop-side crib that looks like it survived the Oregon Trail, and my mother-in-law is patting the literal patchwork quilt she just laid inside it. She's telling me how my husband slept in this exact death trap...
Before and After: Debugging the Weird Hardware of a Baby Foot
Last Tuesday at 3 AM, I found myself holding my son's left ankle like I was inspecting a suspicious external hard drive, trying to figure out how his toes were suddenly jammed completely sideways inside his pajamas. The nursery monitor...
The real truth about baby food pouches and picky eating
My mother-in-law told me I need to boil and blend organic root vegetables until my kitchen looks like a nineteenth-century apothecary. The guy ahead of me at our Portland neighborhood coffee shop loudly proclaimed that purees destroy a baby's jaw...
Debugging the Holiday Magic: Our First Baby Elf Setup
"Put it on the mantle so he knows Santa is watching," my mother told me on Thanksgiving, handing me a felt doll with suspicious eyes and unnaturally long limbs. "Don't bring that surveillance state psychological warfare into your home," my...
Dear Past Tom: The Baby Dragon Evo Is Not A Wooden Toy
Dear Tom of six months ago. You're currently sitting on the kitchen floor at 6:13 AM, watching Maya meticulously paint the skirting boards with organic oat porridge while Lily tries to negotiate with a rogue Cheerio she found under the...