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A Letter To Past Me About The Great Baby Soap Delusion Of 2023
Dear Tom of six months ago. I see you standing in the baby aisle at Boots at 4:30 PM on a dreary Tuesday. You're holding a bottle of lavender-scented, midnight-calming, ultra-foaming wash in your left hand, and a £24 artisanal...
Elektrische Zahnbürste Kinder: Unser absurdes Dental-Debugging
Letzten Sonntag beim Barbecue hier in Portland stand ich mit einem Kleinkind auf dem Arm, das gerade hingebungsvoll auf einer Fernbedienung herumkaute, und bekam von drei verschiedenen Leuten drei komplett gegensätzliche Updates für meine väterliche Firmware aufgedrängt. Meine Mutter meinte,...
The brutal truth about buying baby clothes for boys
I was sweating through my nursing tank trying to force my four-month-old's rigid, chubby little legs into a pair of miniature selvedge denim jeans. My mother-in-law was arriving in ten minutes for a family dinner. He looked like a tiny...
The miniature adult wardrobe myth and how to actually dress him
We were twenty minutes into my cousin's wedding ceremony when the tiny linen suspenders finally gave way. My son was wearing what the internet told me was mandatory for formal family events, which was essentially a miniature three-piece suit that...
Dear past me: Burn the denim and other late night revelations
You're currently staring at a mustard-colored stain that has breached the diaper perimeter and is rapidly advancing toward his armpits. It's 3:14 AM. You're trying to unfasten a tiny, rigid denim overall set with six microscopic metal buttons while your...
Baby Sunscreen: The Messy Truth About Mineral Paste Deployment
For the first six months of my daughter's life, I operated under the delusion that a standard Portland overcast day was basically nature's SPF. I figured the thick gray blanket of clouds hanging over the city was a built-in forcefield...
The ugly truth about girls pants and those morning meltdowns
It's 7:14 AM on a Tuesday. I'm sitting on the nursery rug, sweating through my t-shirt, trying to force a stiff, sequined denim leg onto a thrashing two-year-old. She's screaming like I'm taking a bone saw to her shin. I...
The ugly truth about buying a toddler stroller
I was stuck halfway across the intersection of Belmont and Clark when the right front wheel of my wildly expensive travel system simply gave up. It didn't detach or shatter. It just locked completely sideways, grinding against the salty Chicago...
Why Finding the Right Baby Lotion Feels Like Diffusing a Bomb
My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen when the twins were four days old, wielding a tub of something that smelled violently of synthetic lavender, insisting I needed to grease them up immediately lest they turn into dust. Two hours...