Why the Term Baby Momma Needs to Die (A Tired Dad's Perspective)
I'm standing in the queue at the local Tesco, holding a basket containing only industrial-strength coffee, a multipack of wet wipes, and a bottle of Calpol, when the bloke behind me decides to strike up a conversation. He's wearing sunglasses...
Dear Past Tom: What To Know Before You Walk Into A Bambi Baby Store
You're currently sitting in the driver's seat of the Ford Focus, sweating quite profoundly through your favorite grey jumper, staring through the glass front of the bambi baby store like it's an active crime scene you've been asked to clean...
Singing 'Be My Baby' Lyrics At 3AM Saved My Paternal Sanity
Itβs 3:14 AM on a damp Tuesday in Walthamstow, and my twin girls have decided to form a heavy metal screaming choir. Florence is handling the high-pitched falsetto, while Matilda is providing a guttural, terrifying bass that frankly shouldn't be...
The Myth of the Book Baby and Why My Twins Refused to Read It
At twenty past three on a damp Tuesday morning in our entirely too small London flat, I found myself holding a screaming infant in one arm while desperately trying to flip the pages of a sleep-training manual with my teeth....
Surviving the Kitchen Disco: The Truth About Your Dancing Baby
Before the twins arrived, I received three distinct, entirely contradictory pieces of unsolicited advice regarding music and infants. The frighteningly intense instructor at our antenatal class warned us that bouncing a child incorrectly to a beat could permanently traumatize their...
Why I Finally Caved to the Organic Baby Face Balm Craze
Itβs Tuesday, somewhere around 3 PM, and I'm currently pinned to the nursery rug by a twenty-four-pound toddler who's thrashing her head side-to-side like a cornered badger to avoid the muslin cloth Iβm wielding. Her twin sister is watching from...
The Unexpected Drama of Having a Hip Dysplasia Baby
The six-week checkup at your local NHS GP surgery is supposed to be a relatively victorious milestone. You have kept a human alive for a month and a half, you're operating on a cumulative total of eleven minutes of sleep,...
The Brutal Truth About Baby Bracelets and Why I Totally Panicked
We were somewhere between the second slice of dry Victoria sponge and Florenceβs inevitable afternoon meltdown when my wife's great-aunt produced the velvet box. We had survived the actual christening with only a moderate amount of screaming (mostly from me,...
Reading a Baby Blues Comic Today Won't Save You From the Crash
It's 3:14 am. I'm standing in our freezing London kitchen, crying silently over a piece of cold toast. Not because the toast is particularly tragic, but because the kettle made a slightly aggressive hissing sound and the sheer audacity of...