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The Real Truth About People Actually Finding Your Baby Registry
I was sitting in a literal pile of bright pink cardboard boxes on my living room floor, four days after my first baby shower, ugly-crying into a burp cloth because not a single person bought the organic crib sheets I...
Why I Dropped Three Hundred Bucks on a Newton Baby Mattress
When I was pregnant with my second kid, I stood in the middle of the Target baby aisle having a full-blown existential crisis while three different people texted me completely contradictory advice about where my child should sleep. My mom,...
Decoding baby names for boys: A dad's naming algorithm
Line 74 of my Google Sheet was flashing neon green. I'd written a custom script to highlight any moniker with a standard deviation of less than 5% in popularity over the last decade, filtering out anything that spiked due to...
What I wish I knew about getting free baby gear without the scams
Listen. You're currently sitting on the floor of our Chicago apartment, eight months pregnant, staring blankly at a cardboard box. It's a Tuesday. You're crying because the internet promised you a mountain of complimentary infant supplies, and all you've to...
The Baby Registry Amazon Myth That Totally Ruined My Saturday
I was wearing Dave's oversized college sweatpantsβthe ones with the bleach stain on the left knee that he absolutely refuses to throw awayβsitting on our living room rug with my third cup of lukewarm, frankly terrible coffee, just sobbing at...
Why That Bestselling Parenting Manual Won't Actually Save Your Sanity
You're sitting in the semi-dark at 3:14 AM, the harsh blue light of your phone illuminating a stack of pristine, unread hardcovers on your nightstand while your newborn does that weird pterodactyl screech. You bought all of them when you...
Hacking The System: Why A Walmart Baby Registry Actually Makes Sense
Sitting at my kitchen island at 11 PM, my wife Sarah and I were staring at a beautifully curated, ultra-minimalist single gift list on a boutique website. The screen was filled with $140 organic linen wipe warmers and hand-carved Swedish...
The Great Megastore Myth and What Babies Actually Need
The most long-standing lie of modern parenting is that you can't safely extract a newborn from the hospital without first making a pilgrimage to a brightly lit, warehouse-sized retail behemoth. I distinctly remember sitting in the dark at 3am, furiously...
Baby Shower Invitations: The Brutal Truth About Modern Stationery
I'm currently using a dull butter knife to scrape dried, crusty hummus off a piece of 600gsm letterpress cardstock. It's an RSVP card that my two-year-old twin daughters, Florence and Matilda, managed to intercept before I could tally the final...