Real Talk on Taking Baby Pictures at Home

I was sweating through my favorite gray t-shirt, balancing on one foot on a dining room chair, making noises that sounded like a dying turkey. Below me, my oldest son, Hunter, was screaming bloody murder from inside a $60 woven basket I bought off the internet. My dog was barking at the turkey noises, my husband was hiding in the garage, and I was on the verge of tears because I just wanted one single, beautiful baby image for his birth announcement. Bless his heart, Hunter looked like a furious, red, wrinkled potato shoved into a bucket of scratchy faux fur.

I'm just gonna be real with you. The newborn photography you see on Instagram is a complete and utter lie. Those ladies in the beige aesthetic houses with the peacefully sleeping infants draped over wooden logs are either actual wizards or they sedated their children. I run a small Etsy shop out of my garage here in rural Texas, so I know a thing or two about styling a photograph. I can make a piece of painted scrap wood look like a hundred-dollar rustic farmhouse sign in three minutes flat. But taking pictures of a live, squirming, unpredictable human infant? That's a whole different ballgame that almost broke me.

By the time my third kid came around, I finally figured out that you don't need the elaborate props, the studio lighting, or the outfits that cost more than my weekly grocery bill. You just need a window, a decent amount of patience, and the acceptance that whatever happens, happens.

Why trying to get those naked sleeping shots is a disaster

Let’s talk about those photos where the baby is naked, asleep, and curled up like a little frog. With Hunter, my oldest and my ultimate cautionary tale, I tried to do this in our living room in the middle of October. I laid him out on a bare rug, stripped off his onesie, and grabbed my camera. Within thirty seconds, he was purple, thrashing, and peeing like a fountain directly onto my good rug.

My grandma walked in, took one look at the situation, and told me I was freezing the poor child to death. And she was right, because apparently babies can't keep stable their own body temperature at all. Dr. Miller, our doctor down at the clinic, told me later that newborns basically have a broken internal thermostat. I guess their little bodies lose heat incredibly fast, so if you take all their clothes off in a normal 70-degree room, they feel like they’re laying in a snowbank.

If you absolutely insist on getting a picture of your kid’s bare booty, you basically have to turn your house into a tropical terrarium. You need to crank your heater up to like 80 degrees until you're personally sweating buckets, bring in a space heater to point safely near (but not AT) the baby, and just accept that you're going to be uncomfortable so they can be warm. I tried this exactly once with my second kid, Sadie. I sweated off all my makeup, she pooped on the blanket, and I decided right then and there that my children would be wearing clothes in all future photographs.

What my doctor said about squishing their little necks

The other thing that absolutely terrifies me about those professional-looking baby pictures is the poses. You know the ones where the baby's head is resting perfectly on their hands, propped up on their elbows? Yeah, don't do that. Seriously.

I brought this up at a checkup once because I couldn't figure out how people got their kids to hold that pose. Dr. Miller gave me this look over her glasses and basically said that babies' airways are the size of a straw and their necks are like wet noodles. If you try to prop a newborn up and their heavy little head slumps forward so their chin hits their chest, it can literally cut off their air supply. I don't completely understand the exact anatomical mechanics of it, but she said their windpipes just fold shut. That was enough for me.

Instead of trying to force your baby into some weird contortionist pose inside a bucket or propped up on a stool, just lay them flat on their back on a safe, firm surface, or put them on their tummy for a few seconds if they've the neck strength and you're hovering right over them.

My mom's blanket trick that actually works

So if we aren't using buckets and we aren't doing naked frog poses, how do you get a good picture? My mom gave me the best advice when I was pregnant with Beau, my youngest. She told me to pick one spot, buy one blanket, and just lay him down next to the sliding glass door.

That’s the secret, y'all. The "monthly milestone" photo doesn't need to be a theatrical production. I just clear a spot on the floor right next to our biggest window because natural daylight covers a multitude of sins and makes their skin look all soft and perfect. I turn off all the yellow overhead lights in the room, disable the flash on my phone so I don't blind the poor child, and lay out a soft blanket.

If you want them to stop rolling away for five seconds, you can slide them under the Wooden Baby Gym just to get them to hold still and look up, but honestly, I usually just lay them flat.

Dressing them like normal humans

Here's where I save you a lot of money and tears. Stop buying those massive tulle tutus, the stiff denim overalls, and the giant headbands that leave red dents in their skulls. It looks ridiculous, the babies hate it, and the stiff fabric bunches up around their face so you can't even see their cute double chins.

The best outfits for baby pictures are the simplest ones. I'm a huge believer in just putting them in a plain, neutral onesie. No neon colors reflecting weird shadows onto their face, no giant cartoon characters across their chest. Just a soft, stretchy, solid color. I always use the Organic Cotton Baby Bodysuit Sleeveless Infant Onesie from Kianao for Beau's monthly pictures.

First of all, it’s organic cotton, which my grandma swears by because she says all this synthetic polyester stuff we buy today is why kids have so many rashes. I don't know if that's scientifically proven, but I do know that Beau's eczema clears up when he wears it. It fits nice and snug without bunching up over his mouth, the sleeveless design means I get to see his chunky little arm rolls in the pictures, and it doesn't distract from his face. Plus, it's cheap enough that when he inevitably spits up on it right as I'm about to take the picture, I don't have a total mental breakdown.

If you want to see clothes that actually look good in photos and won't make your kid break out in hives, you can browse Kianao's organic baby clothes collection. Keep it simple.

The absolute best thing to use as a size marker

If you're doing the monthly photos to track how much they're growing, you need something in the picture next to them for scale. With Hunter, I tried to use a chalkboard where I wrote all his stats. It took me thirty minutes to draw the letters perfectly, and then he kicked it and smeared chalk dust all over my living room.

With Sadie, I bought the Gentle Baby Building Block Set thinking I'd be super cute and stack the blocks to show what month she was at. Honestly, they're just okay for photos. By the time she hit six months, she realized she could grab the blocks and whip them at my head. They're soft rubber so it didn't hurt, but it ruined the picture. They look cute scattered in the background for a pop of color, but trying to keep them stacked neatly next to a moving baby is an exercise in futility.

By the time Beau was born, I gave up on the complicated props entirely. I started putting his favorite teething toy next to him on the blanket. Best decision ever. My absolute favorite is the Panda Teether Silicone Baby Bamboo Chew Toy.

I've a whole story about this teether. We were trying to take Beau's six-month picture. He was cutting a tooth, miserable, drooling through his organic cotton onesie, and screaming. I was exhausted. I tossed the Panda Teether onto the blanket just to distract him. He grabbed it, shoved the little bamboo-shaped part into his mouth, and gave me the biggest, gummiest smile. I snapped the picture, and it’s the best photo I've of him. I use it in every monthly photo now. It shows exactly how much he’s grown because the teether stays the same size while he gets bigger, and half the time he's happily gnawing on it so he actually stays put. It's food-grade silicone, totally non-toxic, and I just throw it in the dishwasher when he's done making a mess of it. It honestly saved my sanity.

Don't obsess over the milestones

Take pictures when they smile around three months, sit up at six months, and start crawling all over your house at nine months, but honestly who cares if you miss the exact week it happens. My oldest didn't sit up until he was almost eight months old, and I spent a month crying because I couldn't get the "six-month sitting picture" that everyone else had on the internet. Your kid is going to do things on their own weird timeline. Just take pictures of them doing whatever they're doing right now. The messy, blurry, everyday moments are the ones I seriously look back at anyway.

Before we get to the questions I usually get asked by the moms in my playgroup, take a minute and grab your baby essentials here so you aren't scrambling for a clean onesie or a decent teether at the last minute.

Questions I usually get about taking baby pictures

How do I get my baby to look at the camera?

You don't. You make a weird clicking noise with your tongue, shake a set of car keys above your head, sing the Peppa Pig theme song off-key, and pray they glance in your general direction for a fraction of a second. If they look away, just capture the profile. Sometimes a baby looking off into the distance looks artsy and intentional anyway.

Should I use the flash on my phone?

God no, please don't do that. Dr. Evans told me once that sudden bright flashes can really upset their little developing eyes, but mostly it just startles them and makes them cry. Plus, direct flash makes everyone look like a greasy hostage. Drag them over to a window during the day, turn off the flash, and use whatever sunlight you've.

What if my baby cries the whole time I'm trying to take the picture?

Then you take a picture of them crying. I'm totally serious. I've a picture of Sadie at four months old screaming so wide you can see her tonsils, and I framed it for the hallway. It’s hilarious. Parenting is chaotic and loud, and pretending your kid is a silent angel all the time is exhausting. Document the meltdowns, y'all.

When is the best time of day to take pictures?

Right after they wake up from a nap and right after you feed them. Don't attempt to photograph a hungry, tired infant. I usually aim for mid-morning, around 10 AM, because the light in my living room is decent and Beau has had his morning bottle. If you miss that window, try again tomorrow. The baby isn't going anywhere.

Are professional photos worth the money?

If you've the budget for it and it won't stress you out, sure. But don't go into debt for it. I paid a professional for Hunter, and while the pictures are nice, my favorite picture of him is still the blurry one my husband took on his phone while Hunter was eating a fistful of spaghetti in the kitchen. Save your money for diapers and just use the window light trick.