Dear Tom: A guide to surviving the very weird baby alien phase
Dear Tom, You're currently sitting on the edge of a spectacularly uncomfortable plastic mattress in the maternity ward at St Thomas' Hospital, staring into a perspex box containing two squirming, purple, vernix-covered creatures. They look less like the cherubic infants...
A Nurse's Guide to the Infant Holiday Wardrobe Trap
My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen last December holding a miniature polyester tuxedo complete with a clip-on bowtie and tiny suspenders. She fully expected my four-month-old to wear this structural engineering marvel to our family dinner. I spent five...
Dear Past Jess: The Brutal Truth About Crochet Baby Blankets
You're currently sitting on the floor of the nursery surrounded by fifty dollars worth of mustard yellow yarn, crying because you dropped a stitch four rows back. I know this because I was you exactly six months ago, hugely pregnant...
The 3 AM Blowout: Finding A Baby Strampler That Actually Works
It was exactly 3:14 AM when the warmth hit my forearm. I was standing in the dark, swaying slightly, trying to burp a three-week-old infant who felt entirely composed of liquid and rage. The warmth was yellow, mustard-scented, and rapidly...
Why I Attempted Babydecke Stricken (And Almost Lost My Mind)
My mother-in-law slapped a skein of neon acrylic on our kitchen island and told me it was indestructible. Three hours later, the guy at the local Portland yarn shop looked at me like I'd asked to poison the water supply...
The Tous Baby Consumer Trap: What I Wish I Knew Six Months Ago
Hey Jess. You're currently sitting cross-legged on the linoleum floor of the Target baby aisle, roughly seven months pregnant with baby number three, crying over whether to buy a sixty-dollar wipe warmer that has a built-in nightlight and Bluetooth speaker....
Why nobody warns you about ugly babies and how to survive them
I spent four hours in the maternity ward trying to find an Instagram filter that would make my son look less like a bruised, angry potato. I know we aren't supposed to say that out loud. You're supposed to weep...
She's Having a Baby: A Clueless Dad's Guide to Newborn Survival
Don't pack an extension cord, a multi-port USB hub, and three different bluetooth speakers in the hospital bag. This is my first and most critical piece of advice. I was standing in our Portland living room with a color-coded spreadsheet...
Total System Crash: Troubleshooting Our New Born Baby on Night Four
Itβs 3:14 AM on our fourth night home, and I'm standing over the bassinet holding my phone flashlight like an idiot, trying to count the chest rises of a 7-pound human. My wife is asleep for the first time in...