Blueface Baby Mama Drama: Troubleshooting Real Infant Safety
I was pinned under a sleeping 11-month-old at 2:14 AM, the screen brightness on my phone turned down so low I was basically reading by echolocation, when the algorithm served me the blueface baby mama drama. If you somehow missed...
The Messy Truth About Dressing Your Infant in Tiny Stiff Denim
I was sweating completely through my only clean gray t-shirt, wrestling my six-month-old son into a pair of miniature, rigid cotton pants that featured actual, literal brass rivets. My husband was out in the garage blasting some playlist, and I...
My Beanie Baby Website Search: A Dad's Guide to Winter Hats & Toys
I'm sitting in the artificial blue glow of my MacBook at 3:14 AM, desperately clicking through a retro-looking beanie baby website that looks like it hasn't seen a CSS update since Netscape Navigator was a thing. My 11-month-old son is...
Baby's On Fire By Die Antwoord: A Minivan Parenting Disaster
There I was, merging onto Highway 290 with a trunk full of melting H-E-B groceries and a two-year-old who had finally surrendered to sleep in his car seat, when the Bluetooth decided to get cute. I was listening to my...
The Truth About Baby White Noise (And My Jet Engine Mistake)
I was standing in the middle of my oldest son's nursery at two in the morning, holding my phone out in front of me like a paranormal investigator trying to catch a ghost, while a free sound-measuring app I had...
Why The Baby V.O.X Monitor Setting Fixed My Sleep
It was 3:14 in the morning and I was staring at a glowing rectangle of static, trying to decide if the rhythmic scratching sound was my son suffocating or just the dog licking his paws in the hallway. I used...
Why buying a baby snow suit is harder than hospital triage
My mother told me to wrap my son in three heavy wool blankets before taking him to the grocery store or he'd catch a chill and end up in the ICU, beta. My neighbor with the pristine neutral aesthetic told...
The Day My Toddler Tried to Befriend a Venomous Garden Reptile
My left boot was entirely submerged in a rather grim Devonshire puddle when I realised the funny green stick Florence was aggressively waving at her sister possessed eyes. It's a very specific type of adrenaline that hits you when you're...
Surviving the Baby Sling Carrier When You Have Zero Coordination
I was standing in the kitchen at two in the afternoon, wearing yesterday's t-shirt and draped in five meters of stretchy jersey fabric, looking less like a modern father and more like a deeply depressed Roman senator. Twin A was...