Dear Past Jess: A Survival Guide to the Teething Phase

Dear Jess from six months ago, who's currently sitting on the living room rug, staring blankly at a mountain of tiny socks while watching your youngest child gnaw aggressively on the wooden leg of the coffee table like a feral beaver.

I see you. I know you haven't slept more than three consecutive hours since Tuesday. I know you're wearing yesterday's yoga pants and strongly considering whether or not a baby can actually digest mid-century modern furniture polish. Put the laundry down, pour yourself some reheated coffee, and listen to me, because we're about to enter the darkest timeline of this kid's first year, and everything Mom told us about it's mostly wrong.

I'm just gonna be real with you, baby's teething toys aren't just cute little registry add-ons you buy because they match the nursery decor. They're critical survival tools. If you don't build an arsenal right now, you're going to end up in the baby aisle of H-E-B at midnight, crying under the fluorescent lights and throwing random plastic junk into your cart while Wyatt screams his head off in the car seat. Let's avoid that, okay?

Things Dr Miller actually said to me

You know how Mom always blamed every single blowout, fever, and bad mood on a new molar coming in? Bless her heart, but our doctor looked at me like I had two heads when I brought Wyatt in last week convinced he had malaria because he was running a 101-degree temperature and his diaper looked like a science experiment.

Dr. Miller told me that a lot of what we think is teething is actually just standard-issue infant sickness. He said most kids start sprouting a tooth somewhere between four and seven months, and it really only causes fussiness, some swollen gums, and an absolute waterfall of drool for a few days before and after the tooth cuts. If they've a high fever or diarrhea, they're probably just sick. I guess it makes sense that they catch every germ on the planet right around the time they start shoving literally everything they can reach into their mouths, but it was still a tough pill to swallow to realize my kid was just plain ill and not undergoing some massive dental milestone.

The midnight pharmacy run you need to avoid

When you hit day three of the screaming, you're going to be so tempted to run to Walgreens and buy a tube of that baby numbing gel. You'll stand there reading the box, thinking about how glorious it would be to just rub some magic potion on his gums and finally get some sleep. I know the desperation. I feel it in my bones. But you've to walk away.

Our doctor was brutally honest about this stuff. Those over-the-counter gels with benzocaine can apparently cause this incredibly rare but completely terrifying condition where the oxygen in a baby's blood just plummets, which is not exactly the kind of side effect I'm willing to risk just so I can finish watching a true crime documentary in peace. It's wild to me that they even still sell it right there at eye level for exhausted parents to grab.

And don't even get me started on the homeopathic teething tablets or gels, because half of those things have belladonna in them, which is literal poison, and I don't care how many crunchy Instagram influencers tell you it's natural. Arsenic is natural too, y'all, but we aren't putting that in a sippy cup.

Also, please skip those amber chewing necklaces because strangling your child for the sake of bohemian aesthetics is a terrible plan.

Stuff I spent money on so you don't have to

With Jackson—our oldest, who we love dearly but who functioned entirely as my parenting guinea pig—I used to wet regular terrycloth washcloths, roll them up, and put them in the deep freezer. I thought I was a thrifty genius until he chewed on one so hard it gave him a literal ice burn blister on his lip. The doctor told me cold is good, but freezing things rock-solid is bad for their delicate little mouth tissues. We want to soothe the gums, not frostbite them.

So, you need to buy an actual teething toy. A few of them, honestly, so you can keep a rotation going in the refrigerator. Just wash your hands and shove a clean finger in their mouth to massage those gums while tossing a cold silicone ring their way before they realize they're mad.

I ended up buying a bunch of stuff from Kianao because I love their whole sustainable vibe and I'm paranoid about what materials Wyatt is swallowing, but honestly, it was a mixed bag.

Let's talk about the Handmade Wood & Silicone Teether Ring first. I'll be blunt: it's just okay. I mean, it's gorgeous. It looks exactly like the kind of chic, minimalist aesthetic stuff I sell in my own Etsy shop. But every time I handed it to Wyatt, he gnawed on it for exactly three seconds before chucking it directly at the dog's head. The wooden ring is pretty and naturally antibacterial, which is great, but it's a little bulky for his tiny hands right now. Keep it for when he's a bit older and needs to really bear down on a back molar, but don't expect it to be the magic bullet today.

Now, for the holy grail. The Panda Teether is the single greatest thing I've bought this entire year. I found it wedged under the couch cushions yesterday and nearly cried with relief. It's made of food-grade silicone, completely flat, and lightweight enough that his clumsy little 5-month-old potato hands can really grip it and maneuver it right to the spot that hurts. It's got these little bamboo-textured bumps that he absolutely goes to town on. Plus, it costs less than a fast-food meal, and you can just chuck it straight into the dishwasher when it gets covered in dog hair and lint. Buy three of these immediately.

If you're already at your wit's end and your coffee table is looking like sawdust, you should probably just go ahead and check out Kianao's teething toys to build your stash before you lose your remaining sanity.

I also keep their Bear Teething Rattle in the diaper bag for church or Grandma's house. It's a wooden ring with a soft crochet bear attached, and the contrast between the hard wood and the soft fabric seems to confuse him just enough to stop him from crying. I wouldn't leave it in the fridge because the yarn gets weird and wet, but it's fantastic for dry, on-the-go distraction.

Weird mouth science nobody warns you about

Here's something that absolutely blew my mind and changed how I look at baby accessories. Our speech therapist friend from church told me that letting babies chew on long, textured things is really how they learn to not choke on their food later.

I guess in newborns, the gag reflex is right up at the front of their tongue, which is why they spit everything out. When you give them a teething toy and they shove it halfway down their throat, it supposedly desensitizes that reflex and pushes it further back. I don't know the exact anatomy of how a piece of silicone rewires a child's throat muscles, but it makes total sense when I think about how much Jackson gagged on sweet potatoes compared to how easily our middle kid took to solid foods.

They also need to practice moving their jaw up and down before we start handing them chunks of avocado. So, when Wyatt is sitting there aggressively munching on his panda, he's basically doing physical therapy for his face. It makes the endless drool puddles on my hardwood floors feel slightly more productive.

Just survive the week

Listen, this phase is just hard. There's no magical cure that makes growing bones out of your gums a pleasant experience. You're going to be tired, he's going to be cranky, and your house is going to be a disaster.

Don't fall for the expensive gimmicks, don't freeze the wet washcloths, and for the love of everything, stop letting him chew on the coffee table. Get a couple of good silicone teethers, keep one in the fridge at all times, and give yourself a ton of grace.

Before you start doom-scrolling medical signs at 3 AM tonight, grab a few reliable teethers and prep your survival kit.

The messy questions we all secretly Google

Why is my kid's poop so weird if the doctor says it isn't teething?
I asked this exact question while holding a very suspect diaper. Basically, when a baby is teething, they produce a ridiculous amount of drool. They swallow all that excess saliva, which can sometimes make their stomach a little upset and lead to looser, slightly weird stools. But if it's full-blown diarrhea, that's a stomach bug, honey, not a tooth.

Can I just put these silicone toys in the freezer?
No! I learned this the hard way with Jackson. Putting baby teething toys in the deep freeze makes them rock-hard, which can bruise their already swollen gums or stick to their lips like a flagpole in winter. The refrigerator is your best friend. A cold chill is enough to numb the pain without causing tissue damage.

How many of these things do I genuinely need to buy?
I'm a big believer in the rule of three. You need one in the baby's hand, one chilling in the refrigerator, and one completely lost at the bottom of the diaper bag or wedged under the car seat. You don't need a massive basket of twenty toys, just three good quality ones that you can rotate.

When are they finally done getting all their teeth?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's a marathon. They'll get those cute little front ones first, and then it's a slow drip of teeth until those massive two-year molars finally pop through right around their second or third birthday. Buy the dishwasher-safe stuff, because you're going to be cleaning them for a long time.