Parenting In The Digital Age And The Terrifying Teen Timeline
My mom told me over FaceTime yesterday that the foolproof solution to internet safety is to simply hand my daughter a flip phone when she turns sixteen and strictly refuse to acknowledge the existence of wifi until she graduates college....
Decoding the chaos of a baby's pacifier without losing your mind
My mother-in-law cornered me by the diaper pail on day three of my son's life, waving a neon green chunk of silicone and declaring that if I didn't plug him up right now, he'd be a thumb-sucker until college. Twelve...
Surviving the High-Stakes Math of Your Baby's Bath Temp
I'm currently bent double over a plastic tub that looks suspiciously like an oversized Tupperware container, plunging my left elbow into lukewarm water while Twin A tries to ingest a highly questionable bath sponge. It's precisely 6:14 PM, a time...
What I wish I knew about raising our baby with Down syndrome
Hey man. Itβs Marcus. Or rather, itβs you, exactly six months in the future. I know exactly what youβre doing right now. Youβre sitting in the blue glow of the humidifier at 3:17 AM, holding your phone six inches from...
Parenting a Baby Wario: When Your Newborn is High-Needs
I'm standing in the dark hallway at 3:14 AM, bouncing on my heels at exactly 60 beats per minute, because any deviation in rhythm causes the 11-pound human in my arms to reboot into a full-scale meltdown. Outside, the Portland...
Why my timeline for a new baby sister is completely broken
I was staring at a plastic stick with two bright pink lines on our bathroom counter, right next to a half-chewed rice rusk that Leo, my 11-month-old, had abandoned to go fight the bath mat. My wife picked up the...
Debugging the Absolute Chaos of Modern Boy Baby Shower Themes
I was on row 47 of my Google Sheet, cross-referencing the hex codes of compostable napkins with three different artisanal bakery delivery zones, when my wife gently closed my laptop. It was a Saturday afternoon, roughly two months before our...
Why You Shouldn't Google Deep Throat Baby Lyrics
Dear Marcus of six months ago. You're currently sitting on the closed toilet lid at 3:14 AM, basking in the harsh fluorescent bathroom light, trying to decode a snippet of audio you just heard on some teenager's TikTok downstairs. You're...
Freddie Gibbs Baby Mama Gossip vs. The Reality of Fatherhood
Before the twins arrived, I received three distinct pieces of advice about the impending transition to fatherhood. My postman, Terry, told me to sleep while I still could (it's physically impossible to bank sleep in advance, Terry, but thanks for...