Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago,
You're currently packing a suspiciously large overnight bag. You've volunteered to watch your sister's five-month-old niece, Chloe, for a long weekend so she and her husband can go to a wedding. You're feeling incredibly smug right now. You're thinking, I've a 7-year-old and a 4-year-old. I'm a parenting journalist. I write about this crap for a living. How hard could one tiny infant be?
You absolute clown.
I'm writing this to you from the future to warn you that you've completely, entirely, and wonderfully blocked out the trauma of the teething phase. You think you remember. You don't. When Leo was a baby, he got his first tooth at like, I don't know, seven months? Maya was a late bloomer and didn't pop a tooth until she was walking. But little Chloe? Chloe is about to arrive at your house as a drooling, furious, sleepless ball of inflamed gums, and you're going to panic.
At 2 AM on Saturday morning, while wearing Dave's oversized college hoodie that currently smells like spit-up and sour milk, you're going to pace the hallway with her. You're going to pull out your phone with one thumb and literally google at what age do babies start teething because you're convinced she has some sort of medieval plague.
She doesn't have the plague. She just has a tiny, microscopic razor blade trying to push its way out of her face. Anyway, since you're currently feeling very confident and I'm currently drinking my third iced oat milk latte just to keep my eyes open thinking about that weekend, here's everything I wish I had remembered before the drool tsunami hit our house again.
The timeline is basically made up and the points don't matter
When I took Maya to her 4-year well-visit a few weeks after the Niece Incident, I casually asked our doctor, Dr. Miller, when this fresh hell usually starts, because my sister was losing her mind. Dr. Miller basically laughed. She told me that while the underlying process of teething—which mostly just looks like excessive drooling and chewing on their own fists—often kicks off between 2 and 4 months, the actual tooth usually doesn't show up until around 6 months.
But also? It could be 3 months. Or 12 months. Or 14 months! It's literally a biological crapshoot.
She said parents come in all the time in a panic because their kid's teeth aren't following the textbook. As long as they've some teeth by 18 months, you're fine. If they don't have teeth by 18 months, then you go see a pediatric dentist and let them figure it out. But mostly, babies just do whatever the hell they want.
Usually, it's the bottom two front teeth first. You'll feel a hard little bump under the gum. Then it turns into a white line. Then one morning, they smile, and they look like a tiny, aggressive vampire. Then the top two come in. Then the ones next to those. The molars don't show up until they're over a year old, which is a completely different nightmare that involves them throwing toddlers-sized tantrums while you try to look inside their mouth, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Please for the love of god stop blaming everything on teeth
This is the part that makes me want to scream into a pillow. When Leo was little, my mother-in-law blamed literally every single ailment on teething. Runny nose? Teething. Weird poop? Teething. Bad mood? Teething. Didn't get into Harvard? Teething.
My sister texted me on Sunday morning of that fateful weekend: how is the babi doing? did she sleep?
I replied that she was up every two hours and felt a little warm. My sister immediately said it was just a teething fever. NO. Dr. Miller was very explicit with me about this because I used to believe it too. Teething can cause a very, very slight elevation in temperature. Like, 99 degrees. But a TRUE fever? A temperature of 100.4 or higher? That's an infection, folks. That's a virus. That's not a tooth.
Same goes for the explosive diarrhea. For some reason, there's this pervasive myth that swallowed drool causes diarrhea. It doesn't. If they're having massive blowouts and a fever, they're sick. Call your doctor. Stop blaming the central incisors.
What IS normal? A rash around their mouth from the constant river of saliva. Mild fussiness. Chewing on anything they can get their hands on, including your nose, your collarbone, and the dog's tail. Waking up more than usual. That's it.
Things I bought in a panic at 3 AM that actually saved my life
Because I was totally unprepared for Chloe's visit, I ended up frantically digging through Maya's old baby boxes, which was useless because she chewed all her teethers to death. Thankfully, my sister packed a few things, and then I impulse-bought more online because I've no self-control when an infant is crying.
The absolute holy grail, the thing that saved my sanity and prevented me from driving to my sister's wedding to hand the baby back mid-vows, was the Squirrel Teether Silicone Baby Gum Soother with Acorn Design. My sister packed this mint green lifesaver, and Chloe GNawed on that tiny acorn detail like it owed her money. I love it because it's a solid ring, so it was super easy for her chubby little 5-month-old hands to grip. Plus, it's 100% food-grade silicone. Dave accidentally stepped on it in the dark, and instead of shattering like cheap plastic, it just squished. I washed it in the sink with warm soapy water and handed it right back. Honestly? I kept it. I told my sister I lost it. I didn't. It's in my glove compartment just in case she ever visits again.
Now, because I wanted to be the cool aunt, I also ordered the Bunny Teething Rattle Wooden Ring Sensory Toy. I'll be totally honest with you: it's gorgeous. It looks beautiful in photos. But functionally? When a baby is aggressively teething, that sweet little crochet bunny head gets SOAKING wet with saliva. Like, a soggy sponge. It's fine for light chewing, and the wooden ring part is great for counter-pressure, but if your kid is in the drool trenches, you're going to be constantly air-drying that bunny. Keep it for sensory play, maybe skip it for the heavy-duty teething sessions.
Dave, who usually has no opinion on baby gear whatsoever, actually went on Kianao's site a few days later and ordered the Malaysian Tapir Teether Toy Silicone BPA-Free Educational Baby Gum Soother. Yes, a tapir. He thought it was the funniest, coolest thing ever because "no one else at daycare is going to have a tapir." He's not wrong! And actually, the black and white high-contrast design was mesmerizing for Chloe, and the weird little snout shape was perfect for her to jam all the way back into her gums. I highly suggest it just for the conversation starter alone.
The crunchy mom necklace I'm begging you not to buy
Okay, I need to go on a rant here because I'm so tired of seeing this online. DO NOT BUY THOSE AMBER TEETHING NECKLACES.
I don't care if your cousin's neighbor's doula swears by them. I don't care if some influencer with a perfect beige aesthetic says the "succinic acid" in the amber gets absorbed into the skin to relieve pain. It's pseudoscience garbage. You know what it seriously is? A strangulation hazard. The American Academy of Pediatrics hates them. The FDA has literally issued official warnings about them because babies have choked on the beads and died.
Why in the fresh hell are we putting necklaces on sleeping infants?! It defies all logic. I'm begging you, throw them in the trash. Buy a safe, solid silicone teether. Give them some infant Tylenol if your doctor says it's okay. Don't tie a rope of tiny choking hazards around your baby's throat. END OF RANT.
Also, don't freeze wet washcloths until they're rock hard ice blocks because it can literally bruise their gums, just pop them in the fridge instead, moving on.
Wait, so we've to brush them now?
Yes. I'm sorry. The minute that tiny white razor blade breaches the surface of the gum, you've to start brushing it. I know it seems ridiculous. I know you're exhausted. But baby teeth decay so fast.
Dr. Miller told me that even before the teeth pop, we should technically be wiping their gums with a damp cloth every night to get the milk sugars off. I definitely didn't do this with Leo, and I feel immense guilt about it, but whatever, he has no cavities so we survived.
But once the tooth is there, you get a tiny, ultra-soft baby toothbrush, and you put a smear of fluoride toothpaste on it. When I say a smear, I mean the size of a grain of rice. I guess the thinking is that even if they swallow it (which they'll, because they don't know how to spit until they're like, 3 years old), that amount of fluoride won't hurt them, but it's enough to protect the tooth. Just do it. Pin them down if you've to. It's worth it.
Good luck, past me
So, Sarah from six months ago, when you're frantically typing why is my babie drooling so much into WebMD at 4 AM, just take a deep breath. She is fine. She's just doing the hard work of growing a skeleton.
Give her the silicone squirrel, put on a waterproof bib, and pour yourself another coffee. This phase is brutal, but like all of them, it passes. Eventually, they get all their teeth, and then they start talking back to you, which is a whole different problem.
If you're reading this and you're currently in the middle of a drool-induced breakdown, don't panic. Make sure you've the right gear to get you through the night. Check out Kianao's full line of safe, sustainable baby essentials here so you're really prepared when the teething strikes.
Messy, Tired Mom FAQs About Teething
Can I just give them pain meds every night?
Oh god, no. I mean, I wanted to when Maya was getting her molars, but my doctor was very clear that you can't just keep them medicated for weeks on end. Teething lasts forever. You can use infant acetaminophen or ibuprofen (if they're old enough) for the really, really bad days or nights when they're miserable, but you need to check with your doctor about the dosage and frequency. Don't just make it a nightly cocktail.
Why are the bottom teeth always first?
I don't seriously know the scientific evolutionary reason for this, I guess it's just how the jaw develops? Dr. Miller basically shrugged when I asked. It's almost always the two bottom front ones, followed by the top front ones. If your kid gets them out of order, don't freak out. Dave's nephew got a top canine first and looked like a tiny little orc for a month. It happens.
What if they're a year old and have no teeth?
Count your blessings because breastfeeding with teeth is terrifying. But seriously, it's usually totally fine. Some kids just have late-blooming teeth. As long as they get one by 18 months, the dentists usually aren't worried. If you hit 18 months and there's just smooth gums, make an appointment.
Are those homeopathic teething tablets safe?
No! Throw them away! A few years ago the FDA found out that some of those "natural" homeopathic teething tablets had inconsistent amounts of belladonna in them. Belladonna is literally deadly nightshade. It was causing seizures in babies. Don't use them. Stick to solid silicone teethers and fridge-chilled washcloths.
Can I use those mesh fruit feeders for ice to help their gums?
Yeah, I used to put frozen breastmilk chunks or partially frozen mushed bananas in those mesh things for Leo. It's super messy, it gets absolutely everywhere, and cleaning the banana out of the mesh will make you question all your life choices, but it does numb their gums safely. Just prepare for the sticky fallout.
Share:
My First Kid's Face Looked Like a Pizza: What Causes Baby Acne
The brutal reality of raising a velcro baby and keeping your sanity