The Hard Truth About Beanie Babies Worth: A Letter to Past Me
Dear Jess of six months ago. Right now, you're standing in the gravel driveway in your pajama pants, squinting in the Texas sun, watching your mom's Honda CR-V idle while she wrestles three massive, dust-caked Rubbermaid tubs out of the...
The Truth About Baby Shower Game Prizes: What Guests Truly Want
I was standing in our living room holding exactly forty-two miniature plastic pacifiers threaded onto pastel pink ribbons, staring blankly at my wife. Outside, it was doing that classic Portland drizzle, but inside, our house had been converted into a...
Debugging the Perfect New Baby Wish (Without Sounding Unhinged)
When my friend Dave's wife had a baby last month, I asked three different people what I should write in the card, which was my first mistake. My project manager told me to keep it strictly professional and focus on...
The Truth About The Most Valuable Beanie Babies in Your Attic
It's 9:45 AM on a Tuesday, I'm wearing my husband Dave's absolute grossest college sweatpants with the hole in the knee, and I'm sitting cross-legged on the dusty floor of my mother's guest room staring at a giant, cracked Rubbermaid...
Building A Survival Baby Hamper For The 3 AM Meltdowns
It's exactly 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. Maya is four days old, and she's screaming with the intensity of a tiny, furious dinosaur. I'm standing in our dark kitchen wearing nothing but mesh hospital underwear and a nursing bra that...
What Parents Actually Want When You Buy Baby Gifts for Girls
My sister-in-law cornered me by the kettle just before the twins arrived, waving a mug of herbal tea, and firmly stated that I must only buy neutral organic linen so my girls wouldn't be forced into oppressive gender roles before...
Writing a Baby Shower Card That Doesn't Sound Completely Awkward
My mother told me a shower card must make the pregnant woman cry tears of deep joy. My buddy Dave said I should just scribble "Sleep is a lie, good luck" on a Post-it and tape a twenty-dollar bill to...
Stop Writing Terrifying Advice In Your Baby Shower Cards
Picture this. You're trapped on a velvet armchair in a room that smells aggressively of buttercream and eucalyptus. Twenty women, ranging from your childhood best friend to your partnerβs distant aunt, are staring at you. You're sweating through your maternity...
Writing Honest Baby Shower Greetings When Your Mind is Blank
Dear Jess from six months ago, I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting in the sweltering driver's seat of your Honda Odyssey in the Target parking lot, the air conditioner blasting directly into your face while you try...