The Michelin Star Delusion: Surviving the Home Baby Bistro Era
I'm currently staring at a bright orange smear on my kitchen ceiling that has been there for three consecutive days. Apparently, an 11-month-old baby can generate enough torque in his right arm to launch a silicone spoonful of artisanal sweet...
The Data-Driven Dadβs Guide to Using an Online Kids Boutique
It was 2:14 PM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in aisle 14 of a massive big-box store under fluorescent lights that made my corneas throb. My wife, Sarah, was holding a pair of baby jeans the size of...
A Dad's Panic Over iPad Search Histories and the Tar Baby Meaning
Dear Marcus from six months ago: Put down the cold brew. Stop hyperventilating over the iPad browser history. Your nine-year-old niece who's crashing at your house for the weekend isn't a secret 19th-century racist, and your 11-month-old son (who currently...
Dear Tom: Put down the Sweet Baby Ray's immediately
Dear Tom of six months ago. It's Sunday afternoon, you're standing in the back garden holding a plastic squeeze bottle of Sweet Baby Ray's, and you're about to make a terrible, deeply sticky mistake. I know exactly what you're thinking....
The Honest Truth About Giving Sugar Candy To Babies Before Two
Listen. My mother-in-law had a literal sugar babies candy poised right over my six-month-old's mouth at a family Diwali party last year. I intercepted that little caramel nugget like an off-duty linebacker. She looked at me like I'd just slapped...
Siberian Husky Baby Survival Guide for Clueless New Parents
I'm currently looking at a spreadsheet I built at three in the morning. It tracks the decibel level of my 11-month-old's cry plotted against the response time of our 60-pound sled dog, Apollo. Apollo is currently staring at a blank...
The Ruka Baby Monster Error: Troubleshooting 2 AM Meltdowns
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, raining sideways against our Portland apartment windows, and I was actively bleeding from my left collarbone. My 11-month-old daughter had bypassed crying entirely and escalated straight to physical violence. I was holding her...
Troubleshooting The Baby Come Back Phase Without Losing Your Mind
2:14 PM. Portland is doing that misty drizzle thing outside where it's not quite raining but you still get entirely wet. I've stepped exactly 3.4 feet away from the playmat to grab my lukewarm coffee from the side table. I...
The Truth About Old Navy Baby Clothes and Toddler Mud
Don't, under any circumstances, dress two newly-mobile toddlers in matching cream linen rompers for a casual stroll through a damp London park in November. I did this exactly once, under the tragic, sleep-deprived delusion that I could maintain my pre-kids...