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Surviving the "Pretty Little Baby" Illusion (And Other Newborn Real...
I'm standing in the poorly lit postnatal ward of a central London hospital, staring at what looks like two furious, bruised potatoes. My wife is completely unconscious, having just performed a biological miracle that looked exactly like a medical emergency,...
Why We Need To Talk About The Nepo Baby Meaning In Parenting
Dear Priya from six months ago. You're currently sitting on the living room floor at two in the morning with three laptops open. You're hitting refresh on the Lincoln Park cooperative preschool waitlist portal. You think if you just email...
The Truth About Expensive Bamboo Sleep Sacks And The Laundry
The biggest lie the internet tells new mothers is that spending fifty bucks on a piece of magical fabric will buy you a full night of uninterrupted sleep. It was 11 PM on a random Tuesday in 2019, I was...
Why A Tiny Green Alien Explains My Entire First Year Of Fatherhood
It's 3:14 AM, and my eleven-month-old is currently trying to shove a completely intact, unpeeled banana into his left ear while maintaining unblinking, terrifying eye contact with me. I'm wearing sweatpants I haven't washed since Tuesday and a Mandalorian t-shirt...
What I Wish I Knew Before Buying That Magical Baby Swing
It’s 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in November, and I'm standing in my kitchen wearing a pair of Target maternity leggings from 2014 that smell aggressively like sour milk, holding a lukewarm mug of yesterday’s coffee, just absolutely paralyzed while...
Baby Shower Games That Won't Make Your Guests Cringe
I was thirty-five weeks pregnant with my oldest, feet swollen into the shape of overcooked sausages, sitting on a floral armchair in a rural Texas living room while my mother-in-law's friend Brenda aggressively inhaled a microwaved Snickers bar smeared inside...
The truth about baby oil when everyone has an opinion
My mother-in-law cornered me in the nursery when my son was four days old, wielding a bottle of pungent mustard oil. She informed me that a vigorous daily massage would make his bones strong, calling me beta in that tone...
The Truth About the Baby Gap (Teeth, Siblings, and Panic)
Don't do what I did last Tuesday. I was sitting in my crossover outside a strip mall, staring blankly at the baby gap outlet, violently typing "baby gap near me" into my phone because my toddler blew through the knees...
Surviving the Midnight Baby Brezza Machine Calibration Panic
At exactly 3:14 AM, the kitchen floor tiles felt roughly like the surface of Hoth, and I found myself staring with murderous intent at a blinking red light on a piece of plastic that cost more than my first car....