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Look Outside Rat Baby: When Your Kid's Google Search Gets Real
Last Tuesday, I was standing over my farmhouse sink, aggressively scraping crusty oatmeal off a plastic toddler plate with my thumbnail, when I happened to glance at the family iPad sitting on the counter. The browser was open to a...
The Brutal Truth About Little Me Baby Clothes and Newborn Wardrobes
I'm currently sitting on my bedroom floor, staring at a miniature tweed blazer on a tiny wooden hanger. My mother-in-law sent it for the baby, and bless her heart, she means well. But my six-month-old currently spends his waking hours...
What the Lindbergh baby taught me about nursery security
Listen, it's two in the morning in Chicago, the radiator is hissing like a dying snake, and I'm standing in my toddler's room staring at the window latch. I should be sleeping. Instead, I'm thinking about a homemade wooden ladder...
The Lily Collins Baby Backlash and My Parenting Firmware Update
It was 6:14 AM on a rainy Tuesday in Portland, and I was staring at a lukewarm cup of coffee while my 11-month-old son aggressively tried to pull my beard out from the roots. I had managed to wrestle him...
Why the Phrase Sleep Like a Baby is Actually a Massive Fraud
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in November, and I was wearing Dave's old gray college sweatpants that smelled faintly of sour milk and desperation. I was just staring blankly at the ceiling fan in our bedroom, listening to...
Why My First Smashed Baby Potatoes Were a Complete Disaster
I was literally chiseling carbonized potato skins off my one good baking sheet with a butter knife when I realized the internet had completely lied to me again. It was 2019, my oldest son Beau was about eight months old,...
The lie of the pristine soap baby and other bath time truths
Dear Priya of six months ago. You're currently sitting on the cold bathroom tiles at two in the morning. You're holding a screaming, slippery infant who smells aggressively of artificial lavender. He is covered in suds, you're soaked in lukewarm...
Dear Past Priya: The Truth About Social Security Baby Names
Listen. You're sitting in the sweltering heat of the Target parking lot on Elston Avenue, crying into a lukewarm chai because an influencer just named her kid the exact moniker you've been hoarding for eight months. I know you're devastated....
My Sorry Baby Trailer Disasters & The Toxic Y2K Baby T Trend
I'm standing in our cracked concrete driveway sweating completely through my favorite target t-shirt while trying to shove a supposedly perfectly-sized bicycle helmet onto a screaming ten-month-old who's actively stiff-boarding his body like a plank of wood. Dear past Jess...