That cute baby raindeer show is actually a parental nightmare
I was standing by the kitchen island at 6:45 AM on a Tuesday, wearing gray sweatpants that honestly probably smelled like stale yogurt, scraping hardened oatmeal off a plastic bowl with my thumbnail, when Leo casually walked in holding his...
Decoding Baby Quilt Dimensions When You Can't Put Them in a Crib
I'm sitting on the hardwood floor of our Portland apartment with a Stanley tape measure, surrounded by six different square-ish blankets, trying to categorize them by surface area. It's exactly three weeks after the baby shower. My wife, Maya, is...
Raising a Baby Queen: The Brutal Truth About Royal Parenting
At precisely 4:12 on a Tuesday morning, I found myself executing a deep, entirely unironic bow to a person who had just soiled herself up to the shoulder blades. My mother-in-law had visited the day before, bearing a rhinestone-encrusted tiara...
The Unfiltered Reality of Raising a Baby and a Puppy at the Same Time
I was sitting flat on the cold kitchen linoleum at three in the morning, nursing a highly irritable four-month-old on my left side, while a ten-week-old golden retriever mix actively tried to swallow the fuzzy pom-pom off my right slipper....
The Absolute Worst Night I Tried Roasting Baby Potatoes
I'm standing there holding a wooden spoon like some kind of medieval weapon, and it's exactly 6:18 PM on a Tuesday. The kind of Tuesday that feels like it's been going on for fourteen actual years. I'm wearing my husband's...
Dear Past Jess: The Brutal Truth About Raising A Baby Parrot
There's weird, lukewarm yellow formula cemented into my hair, the digital food thermometer is blinking an angry red 106 degrees at me, and I'm sitting on the cold linoleum of the laundry room floor at two in the morning desperately...
The Baby Park Survival Guide for Chronically Tired UK Parents
I'm currently crouched in the damp, questionable mulch of our local playground, forming a frantic human barricade around two tiny, drool-covered infants. To my left, a feral four-year-old is hurtling past wielding a half-eaten breadstick like a medieval javelin. To...
Is the Baby of the Year Scam Actually Stealing Your Data?
My phone buzzed for the fourth time before 9 AM, and I nearly dropped a spit-up covered burp cloth right into my fresh mug of coffee. It was another group text from my cousin, begging our entire extended family to...
The 2 AM Snot Panic and the Alligator Wrestling Match
I was sitting in the rocking chair at two in the morning, holding my oldest kid when he was just three weeks old, and he sounded exactly like a forty-pound pug who had just run a marathon in the Texas...