Troubleshooting the Sudden Red Bumps on Your Baby's Face
I was shining my iPhone flashlight at my sonβs left cheek at 2:14 AM when my wife gently, but firmly, confiscated my phone. I had been hovering over his crib like a forensic investigator for ten minutes, trying to determine...
NICU Wardrobe Hacks: Dressing Your Preemie Without Breaking Things
I was standing next to an isolette that cost more than my first car, holding a microscopic, bright red fleece snowsuit my aunt had mailed us. The incubator was humming. The Philips monitors were doing that rhythmic, low-stakes beeping that...
The Accidental Chaos of Searching for Joker Baby Stuff
At 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, I tried to optimize our Halloween strategy by typing a highly unspecific query into my phone with my left thumb, while my right arm acted as a human structural support for an 11-month-old who...
The absolute disaster of putting your infant in a fancy baby dress
We're at my sister-in-law's house in Naperville for a holiday party. My daughter is four months old and I've wrestled her into a heavily embroidered, synthetic silk baby dress that cost more than my first stethoscope. She looks like a...
The Absolute Chaos of Trying to Make My Kid Wear Baby Perfume
Itβs 2:14 PM on a Tuesday in 2017, and I'm standing over my bathroom sink in maternity leggings that havenβt been washed inβactually, I really don't want to know how many daysβfrantically scrubbing a tiny, furious newborn with a wet...
Baby By Justin Bieber: From Pop Song To Real Parenting
It was 3 AM, the house was entirely silent except for the hum of our busted AC unit, and I was desperately trying not to drop my firstborn child. Hunter was screaming like I had personally offended him by offering...
The Baby Buddha Breast Pump: A Dadβs Guide to Troubleshooting
It was 3 AM, and I was holding a pair of digital calipers, trying to measure my wife's nipples to the exact millimeter while she glared at me from the edge of the bed. This isn't exactly how I pictured...
The Babies R Us Registry Panic: A Letter to My Anxious Past Self
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting in the driverβs seat of your Subaru in the parking lot of a Kohlβs, wearing those black leggings that have the weird hole near the knee, and you're literally vibrating...
The Midnight Panic Search for Chest Rubs When Your Baby is Sick
There I was at two in the morning, holding a six-month-old who sounded like a broken coffee percolator, aggressively jabbing at my phone screen with one free thumb because the toddler had just sneezed directly into the baby's open mouth...