The Tush Baby Survival Guide: Why I Wear a Tactical Hip Shelf
We were somewhere near the dinosaur skeletons at the Natural History Museum when my left bicep finally went on strike. Maya had decided the floor was lava, Chloe had decided the pram was a medieval torture device, and I was...
The Brutally Honest Truth About Buying an UPPAbaby Stroller
My husband was holding an iced coffee that was dripping condensation all over a display of breast pumps, staring at the price tag like it had just insulted his ancestors. We were standing in the middle of Buy Buy BabyβRIP...
The Truth About Baby Bliss (And Why It Doesn't Have a Power Cord)
The smell of singed nylon bathmat is something that stays with you. I was standing in my cramped Chicago bathroom, trying to salvage two hours of sleep with some under-eye concealer, when Kiran started doing his signature banshee wail from...
Surviving New York With Twins: An Albee Baby Survival Guide
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently standing outside a Pret A Manger in Heathrow Terminal 5, confidently holding two passports covered in a sticky, mysterious residue. Florence is attempting to dismantle a display of stale croissants with the...
My Coffee Disaster and the Wild Reality of Sixty-Year-Old Parenting
My feet were literally sticking to the linoleum. It's 6:12 AM on a Tuesday, I'm wearing Mark's faded college hoodie that smells permanently like old milk and vague regret, and Maya is aggressively trying to shove a plastic triceratops into...
Surviving the Absolute Avalanche of Useless Newborn Baby Stuff
At 34 weeks pregnant, my wife and I entered a fugue state in a suburban retail park and bought a machine specifically designed to heat baby wipes to exactly 37 degrees Celsius. I remember standing at the till, handing over...
Why surviving twin toddlers requires literal tactical baby gear
There's a rather pervasive myth floating around the parenting forums right now. They'll enthusiastically tell you that fathers only buy militarised rucksacks because they're tragically insecure about their own masculinity. People assume we're terrified of holding a floral tote bag,...
Debugging Gravity: When Do Babies Start Sitting Up Usually?
It's currently 7:14 PM, and I'm building a fortress of couch cushions around my eleven-month-old daughter on our living room rug. She is folded entirely in half, staring intensely at a piece of lint she found near the coffee table....
Ready For Baby One More Time? A Dad's Glitchy Guide
It was 3:14 AM. The air was thick with the smell of organic sweet potato puree and sheer desperation. Our 11-month-old, Leo, had just executed a flawless system override by projectile vomiting directly into my left slipper. I was standing...