How To Survive An Actual Baby's Day Out Without The Slapstick
It was precisely 10:14 AM on a Tuesday in late October, and I was standing in the parking lot of a suburban Target wearing gray yoga pants that had a highly suspicious yellow stain near the left knee, crying into...
A Letter to Past Me About the Illusion of the Perfect Baby Swing
Hey Marcus from six months ago. It's November, it's raining in Portland again, and you're currently staring at a $250 motorized bucket that oscillates at exactly 43 beats per minute while you pray it'll silence the tiny human who has...
The Ingenuity Baby Swing Sleep Myth That Totally Broke My Heart
It was 3:14 AM on a random Tuesday in August, and I was sitting on my incredibly stained living room rug wearing a nursing bra that smelled entirely like sour milk and desperation. Leo was four weeks old. He was...
My Messy Journey With the Tula Carrier (And Why I Kept It)
It was a hundred and two degrees in July, right in the middle of a rural Texas Target parking lot, and my arms were bent backward like a stale pretzel. I was leaning heavily against the side of my minivan,...
The real baby driver 2: A letter to my past self about car seat panic
Dear Marcus from six months ago, You're currently idling in the driveway of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer in your Subaru. The engine is running. The heater is set exactly to 70 degrees because you read somewhere that anything else will...
The Great Baby Doppler Debug: Why I Stopped Tracking Heartbeats
My mother told me that if I just pressed a toilet paper tube against my wifeβs belly, I could hear the babyβs heartbeat perfectly. A senior developer on my team swore by buying a discarded clinical-grade ultrasound machine off eBay...
Baby Buddha Pump: Why This Tiny Device Is A Vacuum Engine
It's 2 AM on a Tuesday. My wife is sitting in the glider, holding this sleek black plastic rectangle that's honestly smaller than my smartphone. We bought it because the internet forums promised it was a "cute" and "highly portable"...
Dear me from 6 months ago: The Baby Brezza Bottle Washer Pro
Dear me from six months ago, You're currently standing at the kitchen sink. It's, like, 3:14 AM. You're wearing those gray Target sweatpants that have a mysterious crusty spot on the left knee and your hair is in a knot...
The Blunt Truth About Retractable Baby Gates (And My Worst Night)
It was 6:15 PM, I had a half-empty jar of marinara sauce tucked under my left arm, a screaming six-month-old anchored on my right hip, and my two-year-old was actively trying to feed the dog a AAA battery he found...